When is love turning into an obsession?
The answer I really don't know, but I wish I would.
All my life I met obsessed people again and again.
Is the world full of those sick people or is it me infecting
people with this obsession, or maybe all the woman do it in
a way and it`s normal? To me it seems sick.
I remember two friends of mine, one is still my facebook friend today and thanks god I live on the other side of the world now. The second one almost broke apart, when he saw me suffering in my bad times of life. I was doing a line of cocaine and he was crying. I was going to buy lots of "things" for some little dealers, cause I was getting the better quality and prices. I remember those one "big guy" I only had to call and he was taking my orders for coke and speed like in a supermarket. He was almost giving me everything for free. Sure the first times they tried to scare me a little and had to start to trust me, but after I was the only girl in their men`s world.
Then there was the engineer in my old work. First just a little attention, a little smile, suddenly he appeared at my second job in the disco, sitting at my bar almost every weekend. About my life he knew everything thanks to a private detective he hired and payed. At work it got worse. Every day a present, a letter, a horoscope, a painting, an invitation for Rom, Venice, Paris, Places I could choose. He was starting to work out in my studio, he was loosing weight and even started my sports.
Everybody at work was starting to understand, how much he was in love with me.
He was living in a relationship and writing to me things like: "one word from you and I am yours".
He also found out about me finance problems caused by me Ex.
One morning I found a big envelope on my table, with lots of money inside. On the envelope was written: Please only open if you are willing to accept the price.
Had a very clear idea of the price. I returned the money with a letter and asked him to stop otherwise I would leave the company. He wrote he will stop and we could both stay and work together.
But he didn't stop. In the morning I was looking out of my window....guess who was jogging along my street. In the evening his car was broken and he was asking me for a ride home. He said things like, he was falling in love with my aura. (he was very much into spiritual things).
Finally I was talking to my boss. Had no other choice. After he was giving up, but I was seeing him every day for a lot of years at work. When he finally understood there is no chance, he stayed together with his girlfriend.
The most obsessive person for sure was my Ex PW. When we lived together the was taking the time I needed to get home after work. In case I was 10 minutes late, he said things like: Who did you fuck on the way home from work. He never understood that it was only him I loved with all of my heart. Think I also was obsessed with him.
Since I was also obsessed one time in my life, does that means obsession is the normal way of loving ? ................
That time I was so young, so maybe is normal to be obsessed when you are young.
I was never after again.
Or does it means there was only one love in my life, an all destructive love.
Is love = obsession = destruction.
Now I have a person again, standing under my window. Cannot wait till it gets really cold.
2010-09-28
2010-09-24
Love and hate
Yesterday over my neighbors I was doing a balance, because we were speaking a lot about hopes and dreams, future and countries to live. And for the first time in my life the "love side" was winning (thanks to the lots of animals, which found their way into my heart).
Love:
Friends (in Italy, Germany, USA, Singapore, Puerto Rico, Mexico), parents, Gismo, Coockie +, Il Pirata, Blacky, DJ, Luna, Efisio, my ex-work in Germany
Hate:
Friends (the ones that were only using you (in Germany, Italy, USA) - to bad you find out most of the time to late), the politic of the country I am living in right now (Italy). P.W., A.R., Mr. T., L.S., the politic of my ex company in Germany.
Balance:
Think I like to stay in Italy, even the politic is a shit (but I am sure is not lasting forever). Here I found neighbors I really like, I found friends (talking now about Italians), which so far are not using me, like a lot of Germans tried. A lot of people here in Italy were crawling into my heart faster than I thought it would be possible. I feel safe and in case I find a solution for the other problems I am sure Italy could become a country to grow old.
Using:
The only people using me so far in Italy were foreigners.
So let's fight two or three more months for a life in Italy and than let's make a new balance.
And in case I win the lottery: Round trip for visiting all my friends and buying a brown horse with the attitude to walk backwards when he is afraid :-) and a little house with a garden for my cats and a paddock for two horses. dream, dream, dream.
Love:
Friends (in Italy, Germany, USA, Singapore, Puerto Rico, Mexico), parents, Gismo, Coockie +, Il Pirata, Blacky, DJ, Luna, Efisio, my ex-work in Germany
Hate:
Friends (the ones that were only using you (in Germany, Italy, USA) - to bad you find out most of the time to late), the politic of the country I am living in right now (Italy). P.W., A.R., Mr. T., L.S., the politic of my ex company in Germany.
Balance:
Think I like to stay in Italy, even the politic is a shit (but I am sure is not lasting forever). Here I found neighbors I really like, I found friends (talking now about Italians), which so far are not using me, like a lot of Germans tried. A lot of people here in Italy were crawling into my heart faster than I thought it would be possible. I feel safe and in case I find a solution for the other problems I am sure Italy could become a country to grow old.
Using:
The only people using me so far in Italy were foreigners.
So let's fight two or three more months for a life in Italy and than let's make a new balance.
And in case I win the lottery: Round trip for visiting all my friends and buying a brown horse with the attitude to walk backwards when he is afraid :-) and a little house with a garden for my cats and a paddock for two horses. dream, dream, dream.
2010-09-20
the promised Cookie story
6 years ago in Germany. My house and the garden I loved so much. Already had my sick Gismo-cat. One morning I went for a roundtrip through my garden with Gismo, when I saw him - the skinniest cat I have ever seen.
He was maybe one year old, sitting on the wall, watching us with fear. The fur was coloured like a cow - white with black spots. So I called him Kuhka (Kuhkatze = cowcat).
When I moved closer I saw, he was hurted. All the fur on the backlegs was complete gone, like somebody had tried to take his fur off - bastards. The backlegs were naked, with bloody skin.
Food, I was thinking. With some food I arranged to get him to follow me all the way through the garden into the house and the guest bathroom. Door closed, caught that cat.
Called the vet and took him there.
Lots of euros later I had a new cat. He remained at my house, during daytime in the garden and nighttime in the stable, that was direct connected to my house. Because Gismo was still very sick, Kuhka (later Cookie, because he became so pretty) had to sleep and eat separated from Gismo.
Cookie was not a very handsome cat. He liked to stay alone doing his things. With all the other cats he was always fighting, only with Gismo he had a secret contract, of not hurting each other.
Then I separated from my Ex and went away. Was searching long to find an appartment for me and two cats. An expensive one I found, with the possibility for the cats to enter a little part of the garden - perfect.
In the end I moved only with Gismo. My Ex wanted to keep Cookie. Things he said like: Cookie loves the place more than he cares about Gismo and me, were finally making me change my mind and leaving Cookie to him. What an error.
Two times I was going there later to pick up some things and evertime Cookie wanted to enter my car. Thought it was the normal reaction in that time.
5 months later my Ex told me on a meeting that Cookie disappeard 3 months ago. Also he said, he was only buying fooder and putting it outside in the garden. He didn't let him in the house and the stable anymore. (That time he already had two dogs - I found out later). For that I want you to suffer. Throwing people and animals away for the new better things. Shame on you.
I was going close to my old house for weeks calling Cookie and trying to find out what happend. But until the night before my operation I was not successful. (how he returned you see in my post of the 3rd and 04th of september).
So the night before my surgery he returned to us after 8 months travel. The place where a family found him was between my old house and my new appartment in annother town. (strange - was he crossing a mountain to find us, without knowing where we (me and Gismo) moved to?, almost seems like it.)
Back from the hospital after three nights (was in a hurry to get home), I faced the problem that in my little appartment I didn't had the possiblity to separate them, like in my old house.
But finally, everyday the two cats were growing more and more together, like pales.
Also after my arrival in Italy they were so nice with each other, that I didn't had to separate them anymore.
All his life Cookie was breathing very fast when he was sleeping and also when he was running (he always did short sprints - never long runnings). But every vet I was asking in Germany always said: he is stressed, don't worry.
In 2010 Cookie turned 7. His last month he was not so happy anymore, sleeping a lot and even my neighbors were asking, why he was running around with a sad face.
A date at the vet for vaccination of Gismo and Cookie.
First time an italian vet was seeing my cats (after almost a year in Italy).
I remember very well.
I said: This is my sick cat Gismo. He was controlling Gismo, listening his heart, giving him an anti-rabies inoculation and Gismo was finished.
I said: This is my Cookie cat. He was controlling Cookie, listening his heart, listening again and again. I got nervous. Than his question: Does he always breath like this. I answered: yes all his life, but all the vets said he is only nervous.
The vet was sure, that it is either a sickniss like Gismos or a trauma.
3 days later I took him to annother clinic to do the x-ray.
They found out very fast that Cookie was really sick and it was a wonder that he was still alive.
On the images even I could see that all his stomach part was completely empty and everything was moved up into his chest. For this reason the space for breathing and holding air was not bigger than a one euro piece. (The vet was right, a trauma caused by a car accident maybe). But all the time with me he never had a car accident. I only remember the time I found him without fur. Maybe he suffered all his life.
With every jump the space for breathing was getting smaller, because the organs were moving higher up, stealing the space of the heart and the lung. Normally a surgery right after an accident like this is a normal thing. But because Cookies accident was already so long ago, all the organs were grown into the new space.
I saw him after the operation he was shouting in pain. The first 12 hours are critical, they told me, but they also said, everything was going fine and he is a strong cat.
6 hours later they called me (midnight), home alone. They have problems, that the lungs cannot hold the air, is critical. 1 hour later they called me, he is dead. Any tries of calling him back into life were not successful. I picked him up a day later and buried him in the garden of the new house in Italy. There he is waiting for me and Gismo to follow.
One more time in my life, I was holding on to a dead body and had to let go. The last years of his life he was becoming more and more important for me, and when he was gone I realized how much I loved him.
For my fighter.
Cookie.
you found me,
you lost me.
You found me again
and you stayed.
You found your home
with Gismo and me.
Wish we would have known earlier.
Wish I could explain you why I
was bringing you to this hospital
where they made you suffer so much.
I will never forget your eyse
after the operation and your crying.
All I want is to explain you why.
Can you forgive me?
Or do you know.
He was maybe one year old, sitting on the wall, watching us with fear. The fur was coloured like a cow - white with black spots. So I called him Kuhka (Kuhkatze = cowcat).
When I moved closer I saw, he was hurted. All the fur on the backlegs was complete gone, like somebody had tried to take his fur off - bastards. The backlegs were naked, with bloody skin.
Food, I was thinking. With some food I arranged to get him to follow me all the way through the garden into the house and the guest bathroom. Door closed, caught that cat.
Called the vet and took him there.
Lots of euros later I had a new cat. He remained at my house, during daytime in the garden and nighttime in the stable, that was direct connected to my house. Because Gismo was still very sick, Kuhka (later Cookie, because he became so pretty) had to sleep and eat separated from Gismo.
Cookie was not a very handsome cat. He liked to stay alone doing his things. With all the other cats he was always fighting, only with Gismo he had a secret contract, of not hurting each other.
Then I separated from my Ex and went away. Was searching long to find an appartment for me and two cats. An expensive one I found, with the possibility for the cats to enter a little part of the garden - perfect.
In the end I moved only with Gismo. My Ex wanted to keep Cookie. Things he said like: Cookie loves the place more than he cares about Gismo and me, were finally making me change my mind and leaving Cookie to him. What an error.
Two times I was going there later to pick up some things and evertime Cookie wanted to enter my car. Thought it was the normal reaction in that time.
5 months later my Ex told me on a meeting that Cookie disappeard 3 months ago. Also he said, he was only buying fooder and putting it outside in the garden. He didn't let him in the house and the stable anymore. (That time he already had two dogs - I found out later). For that I want you to suffer. Throwing people and animals away for the new better things. Shame on you.
I was going close to my old house for weeks calling Cookie and trying to find out what happend. But until the night before my operation I was not successful. (how he returned you see in my post of the 3rd and 04th of september).
So the night before my surgery he returned to us after 8 months travel. The place where a family found him was between my old house and my new appartment in annother town. (strange - was he crossing a mountain to find us, without knowing where we (me and Gismo) moved to?, almost seems like it.)
Back from the hospital after three nights (was in a hurry to get home), I faced the problem that in my little appartment I didn't had the possiblity to separate them, like in my old house.
But finally, everyday the two cats were growing more and more together, like pales.
Also after my arrival in Italy they were so nice with each other, that I didn't had to separate them anymore.
All his life Cookie was breathing very fast when he was sleeping and also when he was running (he always did short sprints - never long runnings). But every vet I was asking in Germany always said: he is stressed, don't worry.
In 2010 Cookie turned 7. His last month he was not so happy anymore, sleeping a lot and even my neighbors were asking, why he was running around with a sad face.
A date at the vet for vaccination of Gismo and Cookie.
First time an italian vet was seeing my cats (after almost a year in Italy).
I remember very well.
I said: This is my sick cat Gismo. He was controlling Gismo, listening his heart, giving him an anti-rabies inoculation and Gismo was finished.
I said: This is my Cookie cat. He was controlling Cookie, listening his heart, listening again and again. I got nervous. Than his question: Does he always breath like this. I answered: yes all his life, but all the vets said he is only nervous.
The vet was sure, that it is either a sickniss like Gismos or a trauma.
3 days later I took him to annother clinic to do the x-ray.
They found out very fast that Cookie was really sick and it was a wonder that he was still alive.
On the images even I could see that all his stomach part was completely empty and everything was moved up into his chest. For this reason the space for breathing and holding air was not bigger than a one euro piece. (The vet was right, a trauma caused by a car accident maybe). But all the time with me he never had a car accident. I only remember the time I found him without fur. Maybe he suffered all his life.
With every jump the space for breathing was getting smaller, because the organs were moving higher up, stealing the space of the heart and the lung. Normally a surgery right after an accident like this is a normal thing. But because Cookies accident was already so long ago, all the organs were grown into the new space.
I saw him after the operation he was shouting in pain. The first 12 hours are critical, they told me, but they also said, everything was going fine and he is a strong cat.
6 hours later they called me (midnight), home alone. They have problems, that the lungs cannot hold the air, is critical. 1 hour later they called me, he is dead. Any tries of calling him back into life were not successful. I picked him up a day later and buried him in the garden of the new house in Italy. There he is waiting for me and Gismo to follow.
One more time in my life, I was holding on to a dead body and had to let go. The last years of his life he was becoming more and more important for me, and when he was gone I realized how much I loved him.
For my fighter.
Cookie.
you found me,
you lost me.
You found me again
and you stayed.
You found your home
with Gismo and me.
Wish we would have known earlier.
Wish I could explain you why I
was bringing you to this hospital
where they made you suffer so much.
I will never forget your eyse
after the operation and your crying.
All I want is to explain you why.
Can you forgive me?
Or do you know.
2010-09-16
The last week - am I lucky or unlucky?
Before I will write about the lost of my cookie-cat, something what was happening in the last week and kept my mind busy until now.
Last Friday I went out with "my" horse. Alone like a lot of times. Should have listened to my stomach, that was telling me to go alone today is not a good idea.
But who listens all the time to the stomach? Next time I will. The horse was not out for a lot of days because of the weather and some other reasons. Also he is really problematic and was never be trained to be out alone in his life before my time.
For this reason I was doing the main street by foot. Very relaxed he was walking behind me. I was thinking: Finally he might understood that being outside can be something really nice.
The end of the street, turning into the fields. Okay, time for riding. I could already see the farm with a lot of cows we already passed so many times. The path is big enough for cars, because there are still houses and the farm. On the left side a fence of a house, in the middle the street, on my right side, downhill 5 meters a field with some crops.
Suddenly I heared the sound of a motorbike, very loud. Was going all the way left towards the fence. But what is the driver doing ??? Full speed right towards me and DJ. The motocross maschine was really loud. DJ was in panic. Like always he tried to escape fast backwards without watching and unstoppable (that is his dangerous problem, he did a lot of times before).
I heard the sound of the ground under his feed when he turned his ass to the right and then I heard the sound of his backfeet loosing the ground and sliding down the hill.
His frontfeed where still of the street, while is ass and the backfeet were hanging down this hill without contact to any ground. I was sitting in the saddle, turning my head to look down. 5 meters. Was absolutely quiet and relaxed, like a lot of times in my life in dangerous situations before. Only my head was working. "DJ can not make it up alone, without my help, my weight on his back is not helping at all.
We cannot fall, is to deep, we will break our legs and more"
So I desided to climb back on the street over his front shoulder and his neck, while holding on to him for not letting him slide down any further. Did it. DJ was not moving at all, after he realised very soon any movement, would make him slide further and in the end fall down.
I was back on the street, holding on with all my power to my horse. I looked in his face, big eyse with fear but also the question: shit, what was I doing, can you help me? Fear and Trust.
I grapped him by his head and said in Italian, that I will not let him fall. Than I started to pull. He understood right away, that now is the moment to fight. I pulled his head towards the street and also upwards, to give him the possibility to also put the frontfeed on the street in an angle to jump back up.
Heard the backfeed trying to get hold of something, like a freeclimber. Saw him taking a deep breath for one more try with all our power. He came flying up straight towards me and stopped like an angel without running in panic over me.
There we were standing, both wet. He was shaking with all his body, holding up his left backfeet. Shit. I was looking down. A nightmare.
All 4 legs bleeding. The two in front only very little, the backfoot he was holding up, didn't look to good. There the cuts were deeper and the bleeding a little stronger.
I made him walk to see what to do. He was walking good, even using both backfeet, every now and then lifting it to show me, that one is hurting very much.
We went to a little green field, I was letting him eat a very little, and he was starting right away. So the pain cannot be very, very much. Also he was relaxing in that way. Now back by foot all the way. Didn't want to ride, for his feet (in case something got destroyed, is already a risk to walk) and also because everytime I walk in front of him he is a lot more relaxed and adventure we had enough. We arrived at the stable without problems.
First I was giving a shower to all the legs, then I found the redstuff for open wounds for desinfection and was putting it on all the legs.
That was 6 days ago. Three legs are not swollen anymore. Yesterday the vet was looking at the left backleg and was saying, is only swollen, because the cut is a little deeper, but nothing is broken and he is healthy and fine.
By the way, I am almost sure the biker did it on purpose to scare us, and then when he saw us sliding down he escaped. - Hope you have nightmares, and also be afraid of me finding you.
But my question is: Am I lucky for getting out of a situation like this without big injuries for the horse or: Am I unlucky for getting into situations like this?
Am I lucky for DJ beeing in this situation so smart not to move and let me climb down over his neck, or am I unlucky for his attitude to go backwards without watching in moments of danger?
And what will happen on our next trip, when he is full recovered?
One day I was visiting a stable very close to here. There is a man (I call him horsewhisperer) taking problematic horses and their people and is working with them.
I was very impressed what the horses were doing for him without force, without saddle, without everything, even kneeling down for him so he can get on. He offered a friend of mine that she could work with him. And already that time I was speaking to him about DJ and his fear of beeing out. Maybe I visit him and ask his price or how we could work together to make me and DJ better.
Everything this horse is doing, he is doing for me - and for nobody else. He was choosing me to be his rider.
For example two days before the accident there was a champion trying to ride DJ.
He said after, that DJ is the most difficult horse he has ever seen. Not going back, not going sidewards, not listening to any helps of him, with his stonehead. Like he was for saying: Who the fuck are you, coming here one time and you think you can ride me? One day after I showed the owner, a friend of mine, that he can do all those things, me only using 2 fingers.
Last Friday I went out with "my" horse. Alone like a lot of times. Should have listened to my stomach, that was telling me to go alone today is not a good idea.
But who listens all the time to the stomach? Next time I will. The horse was not out for a lot of days because of the weather and some other reasons. Also he is really problematic and was never be trained to be out alone in his life before my time.
For this reason I was doing the main street by foot. Very relaxed he was walking behind me. I was thinking: Finally he might understood that being outside can be something really nice.
The end of the street, turning into the fields. Okay, time for riding. I could already see the farm with a lot of cows we already passed so many times. The path is big enough for cars, because there are still houses and the farm. On the left side a fence of a house, in the middle the street, on my right side, downhill 5 meters a field with some crops.
Suddenly I heared the sound of a motorbike, very loud. Was going all the way left towards the fence. But what is the driver doing ??? Full speed right towards me and DJ. The motocross maschine was really loud. DJ was in panic. Like always he tried to escape fast backwards without watching and unstoppable (that is his dangerous problem, he did a lot of times before).
I heard the sound of the ground under his feed when he turned his ass to the right and then I heard the sound of his backfeet loosing the ground and sliding down the hill.
His frontfeed where still of the street, while is ass and the backfeet were hanging down this hill without contact to any ground. I was sitting in the saddle, turning my head to look down. 5 meters. Was absolutely quiet and relaxed, like a lot of times in my life in dangerous situations before. Only my head was working. "DJ can not make it up alone, without my help, my weight on his back is not helping at all.
We cannot fall, is to deep, we will break our legs and more"
So I desided to climb back on the street over his front shoulder and his neck, while holding on to him for not letting him slide down any further. Did it. DJ was not moving at all, after he realised very soon any movement, would make him slide further and in the end fall down.
I was back on the street, holding on with all my power to my horse. I looked in his face, big eyse with fear but also the question: shit, what was I doing, can you help me? Fear and Trust.
I grapped him by his head and said in Italian, that I will not let him fall. Than I started to pull. He understood right away, that now is the moment to fight. I pulled his head towards the street and also upwards, to give him the possibility to also put the frontfeed on the street in an angle to jump back up.
Heard the backfeed trying to get hold of something, like a freeclimber. Saw him taking a deep breath for one more try with all our power. He came flying up straight towards me and stopped like an angel without running in panic over me.
There we were standing, both wet. He was shaking with all his body, holding up his left backfeet. Shit. I was looking down. A nightmare.
All 4 legs bleeding. The two in front only very little, the backfoot he was holding up, didn't look to good. There the cuts were deeper and the bleeding a little stronger.
I made him walk to see what to do. He was walking good, even using both backfeet, every now and then lifting it to show me, that one is hurting very much.
We went to a little green field, I was letting him eat a very little, and he was starting right away. So the pain cannot be very, very much. Also he was relaxing in that way. Now back by foot all the way. Didn't want to ride, for his feet (in case something got destroyed, is already a risk to walk) and also because everytime I walk in front of him he is a lot more relaxed and adventure we had enough. We arrived at the stable without problems.
First I was giving a shower to all the legs, then I found the redstuff for open wounds for desinfection and was putting it on all the legs.
That was 6 days ago. Three legs are not swollen anymore. Yesterday the vet was looking at the left backleg and was saying, is only swollen, because the cut is a little deeper, but nothing is broken and he is healthy and fine.
By the way, I am almost sure the biker did it on purpose to scare us, and then when he saw us sliding down he escaped. - Hope you have nightmares, and also be afraid of me finding you.
But my question is: Am I lucky for getting out of a situation like this without big injuries for the horse or: Am I unlucky for getting into situations like this?
Am I lucky for DJ beeing in this situation so smart not to move and let me climb down over his neck, or am I unlucky for his attitude to go backwards without watching in moments of danger?
And what will happen on our next trip, when he is full recovered?
One day I was visiting a stable very close to here. There is a man (I call him horsewhisperer) taking problematic horses and their people and is working with them.
I was very impressed what the horses were doing for him without force, without saddle, without everything, even kneeling down for him so he can get on. He offered a friend of mine that she could work with him. And already that time I was speaking to him about DJ and his fear of beeing out. Maybe I visit him and ask his price or how we could work together to make me and DJ better.
Everything this horse is doing, he is doing for me - and for nobody else. He was choosing me to be his rider.
For example two days before the accident there was a champion trying to ride DJ.
He said after, that DJ is the most difficult horse he has ever seen. Not going back, not going sidewards, not listening to any helps of him, with his stonehead. Like he was for saying: Who the fuck are you, coming here one time and you think you can ride me? One day after I showed the owner, a friend of mine, that he can do all those things, me only using 2 fingers.
2010-09-09
One more time - the crossroad
And one more time,
right doesn't seems to be right
and left doesn't seems to be left, but also not right.
Thoughts spinning my head, keeping me busy,
while I can feel hate growing close to me.
Why at a crossroad of life my navi ain't working.
Why isn't there a voice of an old grey man with a beart
telling me to go right and everything will be fine.
For sure as soon as I will go right I will find myself
inside a deadend street.
Maybe I should just go straight but will it change a thing.
Not going will not change a thing.
If going forward means to hurt somebody while staying is
doing the same, what is the solution?
And life in common, where will it guide me?
Annother place, annother adventure, something new.
A life like a blanket of new impressions, unsecure. (Italy)
Or once back to an old place where the security is
waiting to cover a tired person with the blanket of
peace. (Germany)
What blanket would you choose in my shoes?
I`m freezing.
right doesn't seems to be right
and left doesn't seems to be left, but also not right.
Thoughts spinning my head, keeping me busy,
while I can feel hate growing close to me.
Why at a crossroad of life my navi ain't working.
Why isn't there a voice of an old grey man with a beart
telling me to go right and everything will be fine.
For sure as soon as I will go right I will find myself
inside a deadend street.
Maybe I should just go straight but will it change a thing.
Not going will not change a thing.
If going forward means to hurt somebody while staying is
doing the same, what is the solution?
And life in common, where will it guide me?
Annother place, annother adventure, something new.
A life like a blanket of new impressions, unsecure. (Italy)
Or once back to an old place where the security is
waiting to cover a tired person with the blanket of
peace. (Germany)
What blanket would you choose in my shoes?
I`m freezing.
2010-09-06
Some thoughts of today
Before I will tell the story about the lost of my cookie-cat, I want to say something what was keeping my mind busy today.
I know I have more ups and downs than "normal" people, but I never thought that writing this blog would bring back so much memories and feelings. Those are crushing over me like waves and I cannot escape.
Maybe for this reason I was flirting a little today with Tequilla, and I was doing annother thing that week, I could never imagine to do.
Am I in the end not so strong like I make myself believe all the time?
Have to keep an eye on that. All those memories and flashbacks I am having now, I will write down and try to order them to the right period of my life.
Love the songs of Sisters or Mercy. The Flood I and II is perfectly explaining my feelings.
And her hallway
Moves
Like the ocean
Moves
At the head of the river
At the source of the sea
Sitting here now in this bar for hours
Trying to write it down
Fitting in hard with harder to come
Trying to fight it
Down the river there’s a ship will carry you
Down river down stream
Down the river there’s a ship will carry the
Dream
Dream of the flood
Down the river there’s a ship will carry the
Dream of the flood
And her hallway...
As the water come rushing over
As the water come rushing in
As the water come rushing over
Flood...flood...
Push the glass, stain the glass
Push the writer to the wall
It may come but it will pass
Some say we will fall
Dream of the flood...
Flood...
And her hallway...
Oh, maybe, in terms of surrender,
On a backcloth of lashes and eyes
In a flood of your tears, in sackcloth
And ashes and ashes and ashes and ashes
And ashes and ashes and lies...
And her hallway...
Like...
As the water come rushing in
As the water come rushing over
Sitting here now in this bar for hours
While these strange men rent strange flowers
I’ll be picking up your petals in another few hours
In the metal and blood, in the scent and mascara
On a backcloth of lashes and stars
In a flood of your tears, in sackcloth
And ashes and ashes and secondhand passion
And stolen guitars
And her hallway...
As the water come rushing in
(like the sea)
As the water come rushing over
(dream of the flood)
In a flood of your tears, in sackcloth
And ashes and ashes
And ashes and ashes
And ashes and ashes
And ashes and ashes and lies...
As the water come rushing in, rushing in
At the head of the river
At the source of the sea
And her hallway...
Like...
Flood...
I know I have more ups and downs than "normal" people, but I never thought that writing this blog would bring back so much memories and feelings. Those are crushing over me like waves and I cannot escape.
Maybe for this reason I was flirting a little today with Tequilla, and I was doing annother thing that week, I could never imagine to do.
Am I in the end not so strong like I make myself believe all the time?
Have to keep an eye on that. All those memories and flashbacks I am having now, I will write down and try to order them to the right period of my life.
Love the songs of Sisters or Mercy. The Flood I and II is perfectly explaining my feelings.
And her hallway
Moves
Like the ocean
Moves
At the head of the river
At the source of the sea
Sitting here now in this bar for hours
Trying to write it down
Fitting in hard with harder to come
Trying to fight it
Down the river there’s a ship will carry you
Down river down stream
Down the river there’s a ship will carry the
Dream
Dream of the flood
Down the river there’s a ship will carry the
Dream of the flood
And her hallway...
As the water come rushing over
As the water come rushing in
As the water come rushing over
Flood...flood...
Push the glass, stain the glass
Push the writer to the wall
It may come but it will pass
Some say we will fall
Dream of the flood...
Flood...
And her hallway...
Oh, maybe, in terms of surrender,
On a backcloth of lashes and eyes
In a flood of your tears, in sackcloth
And ashes and ashes and ashes and ashes
And ashes and ashes and lies...
And her hallway...
Like...
As the water come rushing in
As the water come rushing over
Sitting here now in this bar for hours
While these strange men rent strange flowers
I’ll be picking up your petals in another few hours
In the metal and blood, in the scent and mascara
On a backcloth of lashes and stars
In a flood of your tears, in sackcloth
And ashes and ashes and secondhand passion
And stolen guitars
And her hallway...
As the water come rushing in
(like the sea)
As the water come rushing over
(dream of the flood)
In a flood of your tears, in sackcloth
And ashes and ashes
And ashes and ashes
And ashes and ashes
And ashes and ashes and lies...
As the water come rushing in, rushing in
At the head of the river
At the source of the sea
And her hallway...
Like...
Flood...
2010-09-04
My 12th removal
Moving seems to become my hobby. I started to call my cats "gipsy cats". 2009 fully recovered finally to Italy. Sold more or less all my stuff at the markets in Germany and bought some long travel boxes for my two cats. Gismo normally the "Bitcher" was bitching like expected the first 100 kilometers. Cookie with breaks to catch air almost the half ways.
But they were fine in their big boxes with the waterplace. Only had to stop for changing the insoles two times after Cookie was doing a shit - what a smell.
Arrived Gismo was making an inspection and was "at home", Cookie was a little more
scared and needed two days. But then he was already going outside. - gipsy cats.
I was very happy that my cats were moving with me over this long distance without any problems. Gismo my almost blind, sick cat and Cookie my healthy cat (... I thought).
Could it be we are "Home" now?
But fortune or destiny is a mean bitch and always hits you when you don't expect it.
But they were fine in their big boxes with the waterplace. Only had to stop for changing the insoles two times after Cookie was doing a shit - what a smell.
Arrived Gismo was making an inspection and was "at home", Cookie was a little more
scared and needed two days. But then he was already going outside. - gipsy cats.
I was very happy that my cats were moving with me over this long distance without any problems. Gismo my almost blind, sick cat and Cookie my healthy cat (... I thought).
Could it be we are "Home" now?
But fortune or destiny is a mean bitch and always hits you when you don't expect it.
2010-09-03
Can you believe?
Through all this times, I was never really sick. Think my body didn't had time. All the work, the drugs and thoughts. Yes my mind was never stopping to work, even when I was sleeping.
Martin, a friend of mine can be my witness. I went to vacation with him to Gran Canaria one time and was telling him a lot of things while I was sleeping.
The sleepwalking also didn't stop for a long time but the allergic asthma was disappearing by itself.
But a really sickness I never had in that time. (once they told me I might have cancer, but after they made a check, means cutting a pice out, they found out that it was only Toxoplasmose). I crashed when my life got finally quiet. Strange.
After leaving my house I was already wondering, why I was so tired and was also not fighting for a little more money for my house.
Anyways I was single and one more time did what I wanted. I started a distance relationship again (my speciality, lol) and there it happend. One night a condom accident and ... pregnant. Lost that one very fast in the 6 week.
Normal the doctors said. Try it again.
So I made all checks and we tried again. half year later - pregnant (Twins :-o)
I was so happy. First my body killed the first egg. When the bleeding was starting it was so strong and didn't stop until also the second egg was out. Lost it in the bathroom. The shock to see this bubble (like a golfball) with a little worm inside is terrible. I was calling my doctor.
You are healthy it was only an accident. (How many accidents more in my life).
I knew I was not healthy. The panic attacks were coming back, stronger than ever before. My heart was running when I wanted to sleep. I was afraid to die.
A specialist found out that my thyroid was complete out of control, manipulating my heart, my hormons everything. They tried to control it with medicine but without big success. After one year suffering and those two aborts I forced them now to take my thyroid out. I remember I told them: I informed myself that a lot of people are living without and if you guys don't cut it out, I will. I am tired of taking Betablockers for the heart and Thyroidblockers.
The Boss of the hospital wanted to do the OP. He said he is the best for those OP and he will do it after his vacation. I said you might be the best, but if the secondbest needs some practice and can do it know. Let's fucking do it know.
The first OP with a general anaesthetic in my life. Now I was scared.
The evening before, I wanted to stay relaxed at home with my cat. (remember, the second one, my ex wanted to keep was still disappeared).
My phone was ringing. I answered. The home for animals. They found a cat what is matching to the search description I was giving to them after my ex told me one day that his cat is gone since 5 months.
I told them, I am having an operation tomorrow. Can you keep the cat for a week.
No, they were full with babycats and anyways I had to find out if it really was the second cat. So I drove up there and guess.... it was cookie. After I saw him, I had to take him with me.
What a disaster. My distance relationship was on the way to come and take car of one cat. He never got to know the second one. Cookie was never in the appartment and hasn't seen my Gismo for almost a year. Would they fight in my little appartment while I am in the hospital?
Was for having a breakdown 6 hours before my surgery.
I arrived at home opened the catbox and Cookie was getting out. I will never forget that moment. A new appartment he has never seen. But there was Gismo... and he remembered close to Gismo there was always the very good fodder. So he walked towards Gismo, said hello and turned around to search the food. Half hour only the noice of him eating. After he went under the bed and slept.
I made some calls to inform my parents and my boyfriend about Cookie.
I went to bed late and had to get up early.
Actually I had no time to think about the surgery.
At the hospital I only had time to put my stuff in the room and change cloth.
The first injection and I was gone. I was dreaming while they were giving me the surgery. I remember I woke up and they told me to sleep again. Annother injection and I slept again. Next time I woke up I was at the intensive care and bitching because I had to do pipi and wanted to change my OB.
Somehow they managed it. Don't remember.
In my room I woke up in a bed way to short for my legs. Was bitching again. The doctors said my voice is very good and clear (because there is a little chance of destroying your voice during the surgery). Some things will never change :-)
I relaxed a little, my throat was hurting like shit - but my heart, only those peacefull little heartbeats. A full success.
I recovered so fast and I was so happy that my heart and everything was back to normal, nobody can imagine. Until today I never had problems again. I take my 100 microgramms Thyroxin the day, because my body cannot produce it anymore. I consider it not even medicine because for me is giving my body something he needs and cannot produce anymore. Is like taking vitamins, only more important.
Maybe that is the price I had to pay for my life.
I am full recoverd and healthy, never was sick again after that. Hope it stays like this.
Martin, a friend of mine can be my witness. I went to vacation with him to Gran Canaria one time and was telling him a lot of things while I was sleeping.
The sleepwalking also didn't stop for a long time but the allergic asthma was disappearing by itself.
But a really sickness I never had in that time. (once they told me I might have cancer, but after they made a check, means cutting a pice out, they found out that it was only Toxoplasmose). I crashed when my life got finally quiet. Strange.
After leaving my house I was already wondering, why I was so tired and was also not fighting for a little more money for my house.
Anyways I was single and one more time did what I wanted. I started a distance relationship again (my speciality, lol) and there it happend. One night a condom accident and ... pregnant. Lost that one very fast in the 6 week.
Normal the doctors said. Try it again.
So I made all checks and we tried again. half year later - pregnant (Twins :-o)
I was so happy. First my body killed the first egg. When the bleeding was starting it was so strong and didn't stop until also the second egg was out. Lost it in the bathroom. The shock to see this bubble (like a golfball) with a little worm inside is terrible. I was calling my doctor.
You are healthy it was only an accident. (How many accidents more in my life).
I knew I was not healthy. The panic attacks were coming back, stronger than ever before. My heart was running when I wanted to sleep. I was afraid to die.
A specialist found out that my thyroid was complete out of control, manipulating my heart, my hormons everything. They tried to control it with medicine but without big success. After one year suffering and those two aborts I forced them now to take my thyroid out. I remember I told them: I informed myself that a lot of people are living without and if you guys don't cut it out, I will. I am tired of taking Betablockers for the heart and Thyroidblockers.
The Boss of the hospital wanted to do the OP. He said he is the best for those OP and he will do it after his vacation. I said you might be the best, but if the secondbest needs some practice and can do it know. Let's fucking do it know.
The first OP with a general anaesthetic in my life. Now I was scared.
The evening before, I wanted to stay relaxed at home with my cat. (remember, the second one, my ex wanted to keep was still disappeared).
My phone was ringing. I answered. The home for animals. They found a cat what is matching to the search description I was giving to them after my ex told me one day that his cat is gone since 5 months.
I told them, I am having an operation tomorrow. Can you keep the cat for a week.
No, they were full with babycats and anyways I had to find out if it really was the second cat. So I drove up there and guess.... it was cookie. After I saw him, I had to take him with me.
What a disaster. My distance relationship was on the way to come and take car of one cat. He never got to know the second one. Cookie was never in the appartment and hasn't seen my Gismo for almost a year. Would they fight in my little appartment while I am in the hospital?
Was for having a breakdown 6 hours before my surgery.
I arrived at home opened the catbox and Cookie was getting out. I will never forget that moment. A new appartment he has never seen. But there was Gismo... and he remembered close to Gismo there was always the very good fodder. So he walked towards Gismo, said hello and turned around to search the food. Half hour only the noice of him eating. After he went under the bed and slept.
I made some calls to inform my parents and my boyfriend about Cookie.
I went to bed late and had to get up early.
Actually I had no time to think about the surgery.
At the hospital I only had time to put my stuff in the room and change cloth.
The first injection and I was gone. I was dreaming while they were giving me the surgery. I remember I woke up and they told me to sleep again. Annother injection and I slept again. Next time I woke up I was at the intensive care and bitching because I had to do pipi and wanted to change my OB.
Somehow they managed it. Don't remember.
In my room I woke up in a bed way to short for my legs. Was bitching again. The doctors said my voice is very good and clear (because there is a little chance of destroying your voice during the surgery). Some things will never change :-)
I relaxed a little, my throat was hurting like shit - but my heart, only those peacefull little heartbeats. A full success.
I recovered so fast and I was so happy that my heart and everything was back to normal, nobody can imagine. Until today I never had problems again. I take my 100 microgramms Thyroxin the day, because my body cannot produce it anymore. I consider it not even medicine because for me is giving my body something he needs and cannot produce anymore. Is like taking vitamins, only more important.
Maybe that is the price I had to pay for my life.
I am full recoverd and healthy, never was sick again after that. Hope it stays like this.
2010-09-01
Year 2000 - 2006 a new life
I bought a house together with my Ex. A house forever. Old, like a potato farm. 800 qm garden, only potatos, lol. But the view and the place, a dream, direct over a little river to swim. I started to work like crazy to make the house and the garden nice. And it became nice. All people visiting me were saying: Like a mediterean dream. I was happy. Not with the relationship - but with the house. More and more I got the feeling that my boyfriend and his brother are sliding back into old habbits (drugs). And I was right.
Than he lost his job. How should I leave him alone like this? So I stayed, looked for some more works and paid: The house, two cars and all the other things.
I was working while he was only having fun, not trying to find annother job.
Think we never loved each other. We were helping each other out of the shit and then we became foreigners. I liked my new beautiful life, while he got bored.
2003 The beginning of the end.
2006
Was for telling him we have to sell the house, because I am leaving, when he told that the drugs had made him sick, and that was the truth, because we went to the doctor together. So I couldn't put him on the street. I went and left him everything, even paid for his car. Half year later I found out that only 6 weeks later he found a new girl over the newspaper and she moved into my house. Rest in Hell for that. But maybe you are already there ?
By the way, his parents had a lot of money and never supported us in that hard times, caused by their son. They told me they understand why I am leaving, but they are parents so the first thing they care about is their son to be secured. For leaving everything to him and not selling the house I wanted 20.000 Euros, but the poor parents (sarcastic) only had 10.000,- available. So I took the 10.000,- Euros,
was to tired to fight and moved into a new little appartement (expensive rent because of the cat), bought furniture and paid the moving company and some debits.
Broke but free.
My garden is a trash place today. No more nice flowers, only dogs, dogshit, rabbits (to eat), rabbitshit. The dogs are used for hunting, and the other time shitting in the garden. Thanks god im out of that. My cat I took with me, and the other one he wanted to keep I found 6 months later in an animal house, think he was kicking him out to get dogs for hunting.
A new beginning: Alone again and so tired.
Than he lost his job. How should I leave him alone like this? So I stayed, looked for some more works and paid: The house, two cars and all the other things.
I was working while he was only having fun, not trying to find annother job.
Think we never loved each other. We were helping each other out of the shit and then we became foreigners. I liked my new beautiful life, while he got bored.
2003 The beginning of the end.
2006
Was for telling him we have to sell the house, because I am leaving, when he told that the drugs had made him sick, and that was the truth, because we went to the doctor together. So I couldn't put him on the street. I went and left him everything, even paid for his car. Half year later I found out that only 6 weeks later he found a new girl over the newspaper and she moved into my house. Rest in Hell for that. But maybe you are already there ?
By the way, his parents had a lot of money and never supported us in that hard times, caused by their son. They told me they understand why I am leaving, but they are parents so the first thing they care about is their son to be secured. For leaving everything to him and not selling the house I wanted 20.000 Euros, but the poor parents (sarcastic) only had 10.000,- available. So I took the 10.000,- Euros,
was to tired to fight and moved into a new little appartement (expensive rent because of the cat), bought furniture and paid the moving company and some debits.
Broke but free.
My garden is a trash place today. No more nice flowers, only dogs, dogshit, rabbits (to eat), rabbitshit. The dogs are used for hunting, and the other time shitting in the garden. Thanks god im out of that. My cat I took with me, and the other one he wanted to keep I found 6 months later in an animal house, think he was kicking him out to get dogs for hunting.
A new beginning: Alone again and so tired.
Downwards
After my accident with the car, they were giving me a lot of opium for the pain. The burned bubbles on the legs were infected and also my ass was burned. With the opium it was okay. All the doctors were telling me without a plastic surgery there would be a lot of scarfs remaining. But I gave it time to cure. 3 years I was not going into the sun and the dark spaces became white and the skin soft again. First the skin was like a very thin paper. After 3 years I went a little in the sun, and slowly more and more the legs got back to normal. Like a wonder. Today I can wear short skirts and only a skin doctor is seeing that there is something not right.
For the money I had to give back to all the "friends" of PW, I was taking a job in a disco for the weekends and also saturdays in a car rental. Together with my 40 hour normal job I had a week of 90 hours. So I had to take some "helpers". Cocaine and Speed I got for free and the disco I was working. So me and my new friends were always on the "streets". That was the time I got in trouble with Peach and was loosing her.
When I had to start to do it also weekdays, otherwise I couldn't do it to work I realized how fast my way downwards got.
My friends in that time were pimps and doormen, my love drugs and annother waitress, my health: Asthma (lots of allergys, the most bad one: animalfur) and Panic attacks.
3 years I was going on like this until I paid off all the deads.
Than I stopped. Was not hard for me at all. Maybe because life was strengthen me?
The day I decided to change my life I went to a doctor, told him everything and asked for a big blood test.
The blood test arrived: Everything perfect, not even one thing out of norm :-o
What a surprise.
I remember his words: "You can even drink alcohol with those results ". I smiled at him and answered: "No thanks that is what I did the last years."
Ready for a new life.
Some left over money I was putting into Funds. I used to love dealing with funds and stock exchanges. Was tripling the money in the next years. The basic for buying a house.
For the money I had to give back to all the "friends" of PW, I was taking a job in a disco for the weekends and also saturdays in a car rental. Together with my 40 hour normal job I had a week of 90 hours. So I had to take some "helpers". Cocaine and Speed I got for free and the disco I was working. So me and my new friends were always on the "streets". That was the time I got in trouble with Peach and was loosing her.
When I had to start to do it also weekdays, otherwise I couldn't do it to work I realized how fast my way downwards got.
My friends in that time were pimps and doormen, my love drugs and annother waitress, my health: Asthma (lots of allergys, the most bad one: animalfur) and Panic attacks.
3 years I was going on like this until I paid off all the deads.
Than I stopped. Was not hard for me at all. Maybe because life was strengthen me?
The day I decided to change my life I went to a doctor, told him everything and asked for a big blood test.
The blood test arrived: Everything perfect, not even one thing out of norm :-o
What a surprise.
I remember his words: "You can even drink alcohol with those results ". I smiled at him and answered: "No thanks that is what I did the last years."
Ready for a new life.
Some left over money I was putting into Funds. I used to love dealing with funds and stock exchanges. Was tripling the money in the next years. The basic for buying a house.
For PW
You - made everyone fall in love with you.
You - with the face of an angel, nobody saw the devil inside.
You - stole my heart and put it in a cage so nobody else could have it.
You - were waiting at home, stopping the time I needed to return from work.
You - were always jealous about the normal things in life.
You - were stealing for drugs, gambling and covering it all up so nobody knew.
You - were using my car for a break-in.
You - were promising to change every day.
You - even made my relatives love you.
You - said you love me, but your way of loving is obsessive, sick and selfish.
I - loved you.
You destroyed my family and my love. You are the second person who made me loose annother person I loved. You I hate more than anybody else in the world.
All our friends are scared what will happen if we ever meet again.
"Our friends" is wrong, "my friends" because after all you did, you don't have
friends like Peach and Chris anymore. Because of your jealousy my car was blowing
up while I was driving, three years my burned legs had to cure, from the hot water with over 160 degrees coming through the heating system inside my car. In that moment I was so freaked out I almost jumped out of the dusty, smother car. With two lanes going next to me faster and 80 km/h for sure my death, but the safety belt was stopping me, so I turned the car to the right side into the forest and hit a tree. Guess it`s called blind flight.
At the doctors they told me also: 10 km/h faster and I would have been death or starting a life in a wheelchair. For 3 years they had to put the bones of my back
always back into their places, because they were jumping around like they wanted.
Why, because of all the things happend in the States ? That horror I cannot put in words. So you really expected me to stay with you ? You must have been out of your mind.
Peach was giving me the money so you could return to the States the first time, after your bullshit in Germany. I paid her back, alone.
You are one of the richest persons of the States with a character dirty like shit.
You are only somebody because your Dad was always keeping a hand over you.
The golden cage I was inside the US for a while didn't fit me. Keep your fucking credit cards and guards and let me live my life in freedom. The best thing I ever did, was running away from you. You tried to get me back and after that to destroy me. Realize how sick you are.
I thank you for the nice time at the beginning, I thank you for the opium they were giving me after you manipulated my car. I thank you for the scarf between my lips and my nose, remember that jealousy attack, so nobody else would look at me anymore. To bad it cured so well, that it is almost unvisible now, like my legs.
You didn't suceed to destroy me at all. I thank you for all the debits in Germany I had to pay back alone, for the people coming to my house for money you should have given to them, gambler. Thank you for the police showing up, telling me my car was used at a break-in, and searching you. Thank you for the time over your house, with all the crimes. Now everybody knows where you are and for this reason I am safe. Hope you stay there for the rest of your life, and dare you to come to Europe.
I am sorry your Dad died, he did the same bullshit/business but at least he had character, I will always love your sister. The cat we named after her died already years ago. First Peach was keeping her and Lestat, the black cat, the time I couldn't. Lestat was gone one day but your cat was living with my parents and wanted to stay there until she died of braincancer.
You - with the face of an angel, nobody saw the devil inside.
You - stole my heart and put it in a cage so nobody else could have it.
You - were waiting at home, stopping the time I needed to return from work.
You - were always jealous about the normal things in life.
You - were stealing for drugs, gambling and covering it all up so nobody knew.
You - were using my car for a break-in.
You - were promising to change every day.
You - even made my relatives love you.
You - said you love me, but your way of loving is obsessive, sick and selfish.
I - loved you.
You destroyed my family and my love. You are the second person who made me loose annother person I loved. You I hate more than anybody else in the world.
All our friends are scared what will happen if we ever meet again.
"Our friends" is wrong, "my friends" because after all you did, you don't have
friends like Peach and Chris anymore. Because of your jealousy my car was blowing
up while I was driving, three years my burned legs had to cure, from the hot water with over 160 degrees coming through the heating system inside my car. In that moment I was so freaked out I almost jumped out of the dusty, smother car. With two lanes going next to me faster and 80 km/h for sure my death, but the safety belt was stopping me, so I turned the car to the right side into the forest and hit a tree. Guess it`s called blind flight.
At the doctors they told me also: 10 km/h faster and I would have been death or starting a life in a wheelchair. For 3 years they had to put the bones of my back
always back into their places, because they were jumping around like they wanted.
Why, because of all the things happend in the States ? That horror I cannot put in words. So you really expected me to stay with you ? You must have been out of your mind.
Peach was giving me the money so you could return to the States the first time, after your bullshit in Germany. I paid her back, alone.
You are one of the richest persons of the States with a character dirty like shit.
You are only somebody because your Dad was always keeping a hand over you.
The golden cage I was inside the US for a while didn't fit me. Keep your fucking credit cards and guards and let me live my life in freedom. The best thing I ever did, was running away from you. You tried to get me back and after that to destroy me. Realize how sick you are.
I thank you for the nice time at the beginning, I thank you for the opium they were giving me after you manipulated my car. I thank you for the scarf between my lips and my nose, remember that jealousy attack, so nobody else would look at me anymore. To bad it cured so well, that it is almost unvisible now, like my legs.
You didn't suceed to destroy me at all. I thank you for all the debits in Germany I had to pay back alone, for the people coming to my house for money you should have given to them, gambler. Thank you for the police showing up, telling me my car was used at a break-in, and searching you. Thank you for the time over your house, with all the crimes. Now everybody knows where you are and for this reason I am safe. Hope you stay there for the rest of your life, and dare you to come to Europe.
I am sorry your Dad died, he did the same bullshit/business but at least he had character, I will always love your sister. The cat we named after her died already years ago. First Peach was keeping her and Lestat, the black cat, the time I couldn't. Lestat was gone one day but your cat was living with my parents and wanted to stay there until she died of braincancer.
Back in Germany
Back in Germany, I realized very fast, that having feelings again is only nice, when you are happy.
But I was sad and so the circle of drugs, alcohol and parties was starting again. Like always, only Peach was stopping me a lot of times from getting to wild. That time I was starting to do cocaine. Peach was worried like shit. Bitching all the time. Her boyfriend in that period used to have a problem with coke.
Cocaine is very dangerous. I saw a lot of girls doing everything for a line. Thanks God I never got so addicted, don't know why. Was only doing it to go out and handle all the happy people around me. During the week I went to work and when I went out during the night on a weekday I never did anything.
One night there was a party over a girls house and there I saw him. (The most dangerous, possessive, destroying love of my life - PW).
But I was sad and so the circle of drugs, alcohol and parties was starting again. Like always, only Peach was stopping me a lot of times from getting to wild. That time I was starting to do cocaine. Peach was worried like shit. Bitching all the time. Her boyfriend in that period used to have a problem with coke.
Cocaine is very dangerous. I saw a lot of girls doing everything for a line. Thanks God I never got so addicted, don't know why. Was only doing it to go out and handle all the happy people around me. During the week I went to work and when I went out during the night on a weekday I never did anything.
One night there was a party over a girls house and there I saw him. (The most dangerous, possessive, destroying love of my life - PW).
For Michael
You gave me love with all the patience you got,
your arms were always open for me to return to.
You gave me so much I cannot find words for.
But we were to young and I was to hard to handle.
You loved me. Thanks for that.
You made me so strong that early time in life we
met.
We weren't meant to be together but as my friend
and "big brother" you stayed at my side and you
helped me through the darkest hours upcoming in
my life.
I will always love you.
your arms were always open for me to return to.
You gave me so much I cannot find words for.
But we were to young and I was to hard to handle.
You loved me. Thanks for that.
You made me so strong that early time in life we
met.
We weren't meant to be together but as my friend
and "big brother" you stayed at my side and you
helped me through the darkest hours upcoming in
my life.
I will always love you.
My first big love - and a little sunny time
That night was different. I was complete out of control, looking for trouble, think it was the night I also had a fight with annother girl, when I saw him.
Bobby (crazy motherfucker) was introducing me to a friend. Michael. I was direct fascinated from his eyse. They looked so warm and understanding. Chris and Peach were coming and asking to switch clubs. No I have something to do here, I said. So they left without us. We were sitting down and talking, talking, talking. That night I was driving him back to his barracks. Next weekend, next party. He was there also. After he wanted to kiss me I hit him so hard that his lip was bleeding, then I walked away. Somebody must have told him something about me, because he was not giving up.
The next day he was standing infront of my favorit club with a red rose and a helmet, lol.
That night I took him home. Nothing happend. The next nights I took him home, nothing happend. I was always expecting something and nothing happend. After a while I was very frustrated and realized that my feelings were crown very strong. So I told him he cannot stay with me anymore because of that, I never forget how he laughed, took me in his arms and said that he was waiting for that all the time.
That night we had very softly, warm, lovely sex with a lot of cuddles and it felt
right. :-)
After a half year he had to go back to the US. I wanted to finish my degree so we split for a half year.
Then I followed to a little town close to Philadelphia.
But things had changed. He was strange and I realised after a short time, that he wanted to be free, we were to young. At a party I caught him with the girl he had the 6 months he was alone in the States. Only kissing, but basicly the same picture like back than with A. and T.
I packed my stuff and returned to Germany. Never wanted to see him again. But it happend different. Years later he was helping me out again and until today he is there like a big brother, my guardian angel. Wish I can pay you pack one day all the support and strength you gave me. You made me strong, so nobody could destroy me anymore. Remember one training, when I was able to knock you out the first time. (A big smile just appeared right now on my face thinking about that moment). After you started to wear those protections, like it is supposed to be.
Bobby (crazy motherfucker) was introducing me to a friend. Michael. I was direct fascinated from his eyse. They looked so warm and understanding. Chris and Peach were coming and asking to switch clubs. No I have something to do here, I said. So they left without us. We were sitting down and talking, talking, talking. That night I was driving him back to his barracks. Next weekend, next party. He was there also. After he wanted to kiss me I hit him so hard that his lip was bleeding, then I walked away. Somebody must have told him something about me, because he was not giving up.
The next day he was standing infront of my favorit club with a red rose and a helmet, lol.
That night I took him home. Nothing happend. The next nights I took him home, nothing happend. I was always expecting something and nothing happend. After a while I was very frustrated and realized that my feelings were crown very strong. So I told him he cannot stay with me anymore because of that, I never forget how he laughed, took me in his arms and said that he was waiting for that all the time.
That night we had very softly, warm, lovely sex with a lot of cuddles and it felt
right. :-)
After a half year he had to go back to the US. I wanted to finish my degree so we split for a half year.
Then I followed to a little town close to Philadelphia.
But things had changed. He was strange and I realised after a short time, that he wanted to be free, we were to young. At a party I caught him with the girl he had the 6 months he was alone in the States. Only kissing, but basicly the same picture like back than with A. and T.
I packed my stuff and returned to Germany. Never wanted to see him again. But it happend different. Years later he was helping me out again and until today he is there like a big brother, my guardian angel. Wish I can pay you pack one day all the support and strength you gave me. You made me strong, so nobody could destroy me anymore. Remember one training, when I was able to knock you out the first time. (A big smile just appeared right now on my face thinking about that moment). After you started to wear those protections, like it is supposed to be.
Not able to feel
The months between that night and the relationship with Michael have been the second darkest of my life.
I went out and tried to forget, but the more I tried the more everything came back to me. I started to sleepwalk. When I was going out and saw all the happy people I realized I was not able to feel positiv things anymore.
That was the time I started to cut my arms. When they were bleeding, just a little, and burning, I felt alive. But all that time I was sad.
After the cutting, I returned to hash and marijuana. Trips I didn't liked. Thanks god my first trip was so bad I never wanted annother one.
Very dangerous was also the Icespray (for sport injuries). I am not describing how we were doing that, but also that made me so scared, because your mind was stopping to work for seconds.
So I stayed with hash, marijuana and alcohol.
The only thing stopping me that time from suicide was the responsability I had for my animals. That love was never gone complete.
I went out and tried to forget, but the more I tried the more everything came back to me. I started to sleepwalk. When I was going out and saw all the happy people I realized I was not able to feel positiv things anymore.
That was the time I started to cut my arms. When they were bleeding, just a little, and burning, I felt alive. But all that time I was sad.
After the cutting, I returned to hash and marijuana. Trips I didn't liked. Thanks god my first trip was so bad I never wanted annother one.
Very dangerous was also the Icespray (for sport injuries). I am not describing how we were doing that, but also that made me so scared, because your mind was stopping to work for seconds.
So I stayed with hash, marijuana and alcohol.
The only thing stopping me that time from suicide was the responsability I had for my animals. That love was never gone complete.
The time after
The life after that night in the car, just wasn't the same anymore. My trainer at work had to take me and A. to the doctor. My parents didn't want us to go to the bullshit with the police and the doctor and were again afraid of a scandal (they will never change). But my trainer at work (she saw right away something was wrong with me) made me go, she even drove to A. to pick her up also, and was taking care for us about all the paperwork. Thanks to B. (I am hiding her name because at work they found out later, that she was stealing a lot of money over the years, faking the accounts in a very smart way). But thanks to that person and her believe in me I went through my school- and practical-period and got my degree in economic.
All that shit happend 6 weeks before my 18th birthday and my car. Call it bad timing.
With 17 still a virgin, was a kind of strange, but I wanted to wait for the right one. The guy with the car definitely wasn't (black humor).
Then the next angel came to my life: Michael, my first big love (you were there as my first big love and you are still there for me as a friend, as a big brother, thanks).
All that shit happend 6 weeks before my 18th birthday and my car. Call it bad timing.
With 17 still a virgin, was a kind of strange, but I wanted to wait for the right one. The guy with the car definitely wasn't (black humor).
Then the next angel came to my life: Michael, my first big love (you were there as my first big love and you are still there for me as a friend, as a big brother, thanks).
Friends are so important - make sure you have some
Looking back at this time, I was so lucky for having all my friends, A., Chris and Peach. Those three girls were the columns of my life. Peach, the oldest one, always there for me. When I had to move because of problems with boyfriends (more later), she was always there, giving home to my 2 cats and me. That is an incredible thing, because she was living with her cat in an 40 qm appartement. One time she was keeping my cats for a half year, supporting me with money (I paid back later). Yes now that I am older looking at this she was the angel of my life. Thanks Peach.
Peach, you don't know, but I am searching you now over 10 years. After our fight one night about your boyfriend (I swear is not my fault, he liked me so much) and the time after we were not speaking for a year, I missed you so much. Then when I got all my strenght together to come to speak with you, you moved somewhere (think Bavaria) and maybe you also got married and changed name again I couldn't find you anymore. I never told you, that you where the best friend a person can have, and I would have rather died than starting something with your boyfriend.
Remember the time we made all the crazy parties, and our dreams of having a farm together with all the animals we rescued. I still have that dream.
Thanks for your support and I will always love you.
Peach, you don't know, but I am searching you now over 10 years. After our fight one night about your boyfriend (I swear is not my fault, he liked me so much) and the time after we were not speaking for a year, I missed you so much. Then when I got all my strenght together to come to speak with you, you moved somewhere (think Bavaria) and maybe you also got married and changed name again I couldn't find you anymore. I never told you, that you where the best friend a person can have, and I would have rather died than starting something with your boyfriend.
Remember the time we made all the crazy parties, and our dreams of having a farm together with all the animals we rescued. I still have that dream.
Thanks for your support and I will always love you.
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