Remember - you stole my first love.
I was forgiving.
Remember - you used me so many times
and denied me.
Remember - the biggest moments in our
lifes, we were fighting together.
Remember - you said we will get stronger
and nobody can harm us anymore.
Remember - how we were laughing at the
female doctor during the searcheries.
Remember - you forgot me.
Remember - you forgot all of us.
Remember - you don't want to.
You choosed to live in darkness without me.
Please remember.
2010-08-31
A knife, a pistol and my first time
I remember it like it was yesterday. A. and me were laughing, we had a very nice evening at a club and wanted to get home. Only 10 km by car. Was cold that night. Our new boyfriends were bringing us to the place, were we wanted to hitch-hike home that night.
A car stopped, we said "Goodbye" to our boyfriends and were talking to the men in the car. Strange that one was sitting in the back. But we were tired and only wanted to get home. The first 8 km nothing special. Than I was getting a strange feeling. Suddenly there was a knife and I heard A. fighting in the back. A stop at a redlight, I opend the door. I was almost out, when I heard A. shouting that there is the child-protection at the door behind. No way to get out. So I got back in the car. In two our chances would be higher and I cannot leave A. alone. Those were my thoughts that moment, when I found a pistol against my forehead.
We were driving through the forest like crazy, I was only thinking that this cannot be the end of my life.
Suddenly the car stopped in the forest. The rest I don't want to write to clearly. To say it sacastic: My first sex. A. already had some experience (remember my Ex).
Next thing I remember very clear is that A. was saying: "If we do everything they want they will let us go". I was laughing (!!!) and saying: "Yes to heaven".
Somehow I got hold of a cartool for removing ice from the windows. This I was using as my weapon. A. was no help at all, she was not moving. After I put them to sleep I was shouting to A. to get the fuck out of the car. But she wanted to stay (????). So I carried her through the forest into the next small village and called my Dad. That time my parents had to believe me (strange what crazy thoughts you can have in moments like this).
We got home and my parents were taking care of us. (By the way the guys weren't dead - to bad), because the car was gone, later.
A car stopped, we said "Goodbye" to our boyfriends and were talking to the men in the car. Strange that one was sitting in the back. But we were tired and only wanted to get home. The first 8 km nothing special. Than I was getting a strange feeling. Suddenly there was a knife and I heard A. fighting in the back. A stop at a redlight, I opend the door. I was almost out, when I heard A. shouting that there is the child-protection at the door behind. No way to get out. So I got back in the car. In two our chances would be higher and I cannot leave A. alone. Those were my thoughts that moment, when I found a pistol against my forehead.
We were driving through the forest like crazy, I was only thinking that this cannot be the end of my life.
Suddenly the car stopped in the forest. The rest I don't want to write to clearly. To say it sacastic: My first sex. A. already had some experience (remember my Ex).
Next thing I remember very clear is that A. was saying: "If we do everything they want they will let us go". I was laughing (!!!) and saying: "Yes to heaven".
Somehow I got hold of a cartool for removing ice from the windows. This I was using as my weapon. A. was no help at all, she was not moving. After I put them to sleep I was shouting to A. to get the fuck out of the car. But she wanted to stay (????). So I carried her through the forest into the next small village and called my Dad. That time my parents had to believe me (strange what crazy thoughts you can have in moments like this).
We got home and my parents were taking care of us. (By the way the guys weren't dead - to bad), because the car was gone, later.
Change of life
The time after I blamed a lot of people for everything. My parents for not beliving me. In a way I still blame them today. So I became that kind of teenager, which a lot of people are calling problematic child. I was a wild punkrocker. Not giving a shit about my parents and anybody.
Only my animals, my friends and my first love.
The only important people in that time: my best female friend A. and my first love T. (both punkrockers like me), we were doing all the soft drugs we could get.
But life can get always worse.
On a party my best friend A. was having sex with my boyfriend in front of everybody.
I remember very well, the face of annother friend, when she told me, better not to go in the other party room.
After that I got totally out of control. A. needed about a year to get my friendship back. In the end the guy was not worth the trouble we had. But I never forgot. Deep inside I always wanted to pay back - even she was my friend. Strange, isn't it?
A. and me were always hitch hiking together through the world to all the parties and clubs we wanted to go. Was a wild and crazy time until ...
Only my animals, my friends and my first love.
The only important people in that time: my best female friend A. and my first love T. (both punkrockers like me), we were doing all the soft drugs we could get.
But life can get always worse.
On a party my best friend A. was having sex with my boyfriend in front of everybody.
I remember very well, the face of annother friend, when she told me, better not to go in the other party room.
After that I got totally out of control. A. needed about a year to get my friendship back. In the end the guy was not worth the trouble we had. But I never forgot. Deep inside I always wanted to pay back - even she was my friend. Strange, isn't it?
A. and me were always hitch hiking together through the world to all the parties and clubs we wanted to go. Was a wild and crazy time until ...
How could you - and you are asking for forgiveness
HOW COULD YOU.
You never thought I would find you.
Now you are in front of me.
Crying for forgiveness.
You make me sick.
All my hate, my pain and my suffers,
I was saving up all this years
until I found you.
Now you are in front of me.
I can see myself in your eyse.
This me I don't like, I like more the
little girl, loving music,
trying to get lessons on the guitar.
You destroyed that little girl.
No I cannot forgive you.
But I cannot be worse than you, so I
turn around and walk away.
This fight I was winning, like all the
ones before.
You are a loser.
I feel sorry for you.
In heaven there will be no place for you.
You were the first ruining my life, not
the last, maybe without you everything
would have been different.
MAYBE.
You never thought I would find you.
Now you are in front of me.
Crying for forgiveness.
You make me sick.
All my hate, my pain and my suffers,
I was saving up all this years
until I found you.
Now you are in front of me.
I can see myself in your eyse.
This me I don't like, I like more the
little girl, loving music,
trying to get lessons on the guitar.
You destroyed that little girl.
No I cannot forgive you.
But I cannot be worse than you, so I
turn around and walk away.
This fight I was winning, like all the
ones before.
You are a loser.
I feel sorry for you.
In heaven there will be no place for you.
You were the first ruining my life, not
the last, maybe without you everything
would have been different.
MAYBE.
Introducing myself
Crazy, wild, try to tame me - but don't cry if I destroy you.
Still searching the place called "Home".
On a sunny nice day I am the woman everybody likes.
On a day like today, don't try to understand me, because you don't know a shit about my life. Maybe if I trust you enough I will tell you, but you won't understand it anyways.
Sometimes I wonder how much bullshit can happen in only one life. Actually wanted to write a book about my life, but since I love blogging why not blog a little about my life and the crazy thoughts coming out of this life.
If somebody has a life close to mine and is able to understand me a little, I would be happy to get in contact with.
Please not the psychiatrist number (through with that, they only said you are very strong you can handle it yourself - and therefor they studied for years, lol. Greetings to Wiesbaden, Germany). Also not the church number (I believe in God, but lately he is to busy to help me).
Lot of times I think in Poems so don't wonder if one day you will only find a strange poem.
To at least become an idea what the life covers: Violence, drugs, love, hate, suffering of losing beloved people, seeing people breaking apart on happenings
I survived (in memory of A. my best female friends of teenager-times).
Maybe this blog will also make some young people a little bit more carefull, that would be my biggest success.
To make it clear: Today I am: not smoking, against drugs, against violence in any kind. But my hate is fighting with me every day, and some days I am afraid if I would meet the persons I was searching for so long something bad would happen.
Still searching the place called "Home".
On a sunny nice day I am the woman everybody likes.
On a day like today, don't try to understand me, because you don't know a shit about my life. Maybe if I trust you enough I will tell you, but you won't understand it anyways.
Sometimes I wonder how much bullshit can happen in only one life. Actually wanted to write a book about my life, but since I love blogging why not blog a little about my life and the crazy thoughts coming out of this life.
If somebody has a life close to mine and is able to understand me a little, I would be happy to get in contact with.
Please not the psychiatrist number (through with that, they only said you are very strong you can handle it yourself - and therefor they studied for years, lol. Greetings to Wiesbaden, Germany). Also not the church number (I believe in God, but lately he is to busy to help me).
Lot of times I think in Poems so don't wonder if one day you will only find a strange poem.
To at least become an idea what the life covers: Violence, drugs, love, hate, suffering of losing beloved people, seeing people breaking apart on happenings
I survived (in memory of A. my best female friends of teenager-times).
Maybe this blog will also make some young people a little bit more carefull, that would be my biggest success.
To make it clear: Today I am: not smoking, against drugs, against violence in any kind. But my hate is fighting with me every day, and some days I am afraid if I would meet the persons I was searching for so long something bad would happen.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)