This week (and it is only Wednesday) was already covering all the band width of emotions, like a rollercoaster.
Hate:
My obsessive parents just won't understand why I am staying in Italy in this period of my life. Lately skyping becomes a horror for me. My mother always with a not very well hidden triumph: So, then you have to come back to Germany :-) here the market is good, you have work waiting and so on...
But what else is waiting for me in Germany?
Is life really all about money and nothing else? Seems to be like it.
Without money no fun, no DJ (horse), no vet for the cats, no......
Just a thought: Me again in Germany, with my old work waiting for me.
Money = no problem, Cats = more or less no problem, DJ = no DJ, Love = no love (sorry never used to get along with the German men - if I want to live with a fridge a buy a fridge and not a boyfriend).
Parents = happy
Me = unhappy.
Confusion:
maybe going somewhere else - again? (this is caused by the hate points of the problematic Italian situation and the not wanted German situation)
Where ?
Cats = Problem (no visa for the States for the cats).
Work = more or less a problem, but less than in Italy for sure.
Love = confused.
Parents = unhappy.
Me = unhappy
Changes = in a way wanted.
Love:
and again I have to admit that only the love of an animal is honest and lasting.
On the rest better not count on.
Happiness:
those moments with my cats and the little successes with the horsetraining were making me happy this week, but is that all life is holding for me?
In case is like this:
So the goal would be:
Wow cannot write that, is even to scary for me. Is the way I never wanted to
go in my life again (working, working, working (in Germany) with my animals alone all the time to make money fast to buy a home (for me and my animals) and a horse I will not have the time to ride...
Than there will come an asshole... after a while I will leave him and leave the home to him .... and again and again.
STOP.
Don't count on love (unless is the love of an animal) but also don't count on money.
Finding annother solution. Thinking until headaches arrive. No solution.
The period of annother 2-3 months I was giving myself for Italy is running, like my thoughts.
2010-10-20
2010-10-07
the honest true love
Also yesterday I was going to ride. My horse was already waiting and shouting when he saw my car. Me and a friend were cleaning and preparing the horses to ride inside. I wanted to try out some works a western rider was showing me.
My thoroughbred (yes, everything I was reading about those horses matches him 100 %) was realising right away that I am not so happy. So he worked like a crazy to make me happy. Is amazing. Normally bullheaded he was trying to read my mind yesterday. One more time, like already on our first Gimkhana, when he was doing the sidewards for the first time in his life. My homework was to make him take the head down, collect him and also make his steps in trot and gallop smaller. What did the trainer say: not an easy horse and you need a lot of patience.... To bad he wasn't there yesterday.
After a slalom with long reins, a circle in trot and gallop with long reins and only using one hand moving the reins a little to the front like sending him off, with perfect little steps, everybody was standing there, watching and not able to close the mouth. My friend said after she never saw him beautiful like this in her whole life, nobody did. Everybody said: Do it again. And we did, again and again.
Backwards, sidewards, spin right and left. He was doing everything to make me laugh. Finally he suceeded. We were all laughing about that miracle horse, when he remembered that he is normally a bullheaded horse.
I am curious how he will be the next time. Will he do a miracle for me like yesterday and at the Gimkhana, or will he be bullheaded like always.
Now I know even more how beautiful this horse will be, one day when we are both good enough for the "high class" riders ;-)
Animals are honest and great. If they give you their love, is there forever, if you don't ruin it.
I am so happy having the love of 3 animals at the moment, and the love of all the ones I had to let go. Is my responsibility to go all the way with them to the final breath.
All my animals were dying in my arms. Dogs, cats (Cookie not, sorry) even a horse (yes the horse was laying on the ground already a little sleepy, the head on my lap, when they were giving the overdose to him). That is the price you have to pay for staying with animals - and everbody should pay it in this way. Not the way most of the riders are doing and also a friend of mine believes in: the horse was coming to my stable on his own feet, so he walks out of it like this.
No. Let him/her sleep away relaxed at home and then after, when he/she is dead there is still enough time for the crane and transport. It costs a little more - but for me is worth it. Maybe I am the only one like this. But sorry it's me.
My thoroughbred (yes, everything I was reading about those horses matches him 100 %) was realising right away that I am not so happy. So he worked like a crazy to make me happy. Is amazing. Normally bullheaded he was trying to read my mind yesterday. One more time, like already on our first Gimkhana, when he was doing the sidewards for the first time in his life. My homework was to make him take the head down, collect him and also make his steps in trot and gallop smaller. What did the trainer say: not an easy horse and you need a lot of patience.... To bad he wasn't there yesterday.
After a slalom with long reins, a circle in trot and gallop with long reins and only using one hand moving the reins a little to the front like sending him off, with perfect little steps, everybody was standing there, watching and not able to close the mouth. My friend said after she never saw him beautiful like this in her whole life, nobody did. Everybody said: Do it again. And we did, again and again.
Backwards, sidewards, spin right and left. He was doing everything to make me laugh. Finally he suceeded. We were all laughing about that miracle horse, when he remembered that he is normally a bullheaded horse.
I am curious how he will be the next time. Will he do a miracle for me like yesterday and at the Gimkhana, or will he be bullheaded like always.
Now I know even more how beautiful this horse will be, one day when we are both good enough for the "high class" riders ;-)
Animals are honest and great. If they give you their love, is there forever, if you don't ruin it.
I am so happy having the love of 3 animals at the moment, and the love of all the ones I had to let go. Is my responsibility to go all the way with them to the final breath.
All my animals were dying in my arms. Dogs, cats (Cookie not, sorry) even a horse (yes the horse was laying on the ground already a little sleepy, the head on my lap, when they were giving the overdose to him). That is the price you have to pay for staying with animals - and everbody should pay it in this way. Not the way most of the riders are doing and also a friend of mine believes in: the horse was coming to my stable on his own feet, so he walks out of it like this.
No. Let him/her sleep away relaxed at home and then after, when he/she is dead there is still enough time for the crane and transport. It costs a little more - but for me is worth it. Maybe I am the only one like this. But sorry it's me.
the agreement of silence
self destroying, obsessive and wild
caught in the situation
love is gone, is it gone for real ?
maybe is only hiding behind a moments pressure.
Was it there?
it might still is.
A turn around leaving 3,5 years, possible?
Tired, this time I realised not to be the only one tired.
I saw you yesterday, sleeping with your grey skin, tired
destroyed and helpless.
The fear of loosing control, the worries about life and
love were cutting deep lines into your face.
To tired to argue. You turned around, helpless.
You still love me, behind your wall of ice.
I see you suffer, unable to help you. I am numb.
Now we have to find a way to get along with
each other.
Some words you said are burned into my heart and brain.
Think they will stay there forever.
and how it goes on........ an agreement of silence
of not hurting each other anymore until we are recovered.
Then the final decision has to be made.
But for now. Both on the ground, both k.o. The match
has to be continued. Will there be winners or only losers.
caught in the situation
love is gone, is it gone for real ?
maybe is only hiding behind a moments pressure.
Was it there?
it might still is.
A turn around leaving 3,5 years, possible?
Tired, this time I realised not to be the only one tired.
I saw you yesterday, sleeping with your grey skin, tired
destroyed and helpless.
The fear of loosing control, the worries about life and
love were cutting deep lines into your face.
To tired to argue. You turned around, helpless.
You still love me, behind your wall of ice.
I see you suffer, unable to help you. I am numb.
Now we have to find a way to get along with
each other.
Some words you said are burned into my heart and brain.
Think they will stay there forever.
and how it goes on........ an agreement of silence
of not hurting each other anymore until we are recovered.
Then the final decision has to be made.
But for now. Both on the ground, both k.o. The match
has to be continued. Will there be winners or only losers.
2010-10-04
A forgotten treasure
Sometimes you find a long lost memory or a description that matches you 100 % again after years.
Just thinking about the concert times with a the crazy people and my feeling of nobody understanding me. Wild and evil.
Two days I am listening now again The Mission with the song "you are like a hurricane". Reading the lyrics I am getting jealous for the gift the songwriter has to put all the power and the spirit into a song. (okay this one is a cover version of Neil Young, I have to admit). But I like the version of The Mission just more.
The lyrics of Sisterhood, Sisters of Mercy and The Mission are so strong. All made up around the main figures Andrew and Wayne. Still don't know if I like the vocalist Andrew with the Sisters of Mercy better or Wayne with The Mission, after they split from the early Sisters. How they were connected with the Sisterhood, or if the Sisterhood was an early project of them two I never understood, but also a little before my time. But the songs are also great.
So have to steal the lycrics now and put them here to get the power of words into my head.
------------------------------------------------
"Like A Hurricane"
Once I thought I saw you
in a crowded hazy bar,
Dancing on the light
from star to star.
Far across the moonbeam
I know that's who you are,
I saw your brown eyes
turning once to fire.
You are like a hurricane
There's calm in your eye.
And I'm gettin' blown away
To somewhere safer
where the feeling stays.
I want to love you but
I'm getting blown away.
I am just a dreamer,
but you are just a dream,
You could have been
anyone to me.
Before that moment
you touched my lips
That perfect feeling
when time just slips
Away between us
on our foggy trip.
You are like a hurricane
There's calm in your eye.
And I'm gettin' blown away
To somewhere safer
where the feeling stays.
I want to love you but
I'm getting blown away.
You are just a dreamer,
and I am just a dream.
You could have been
anyone to me.
Before that moment
you touched my lips
That perfect feeling
when time just slips
Away between us
on our foggy trip.
You are like a hurricane
There's calm in your eye.
And I'm gettin' blown away
To somewhere safer
where the feeling stays.
I want to love you but
I'm getting blown away.
------------------------------------------
Wow. How strong the picture of a hurricane with the calm eye in the middle is burning itself into the brain, describing also the character of a person.
Respect.
Just thinking about the concert times with a the crazy people and my feeling of nobody understanding me. Wild and evil.
Two days I am listening now again The Mission with the song "you are like a hurricane". Reading the lyrics I am getting jealous for the gift the songwriter has to put all the power and the spirit into a song. (okay this one is a cover version of Neil Young, I have to admit). But I like the version of The Mission just more.
The lyrics of Sisterhood, Sisters of Mercy and The Mission are so strong. All made up around the main figures Andrew and Wayne. Still don't know if I like the vocalist Andrew with the Sisters of Mercy better or Wayne with The Mission, after they split from the early Sisters. How they were connected with the Sisterhood, or if the Sisterhood was an early project of them two I never understood, but also a little before my time. But the songs are also great.
So have to steal the lycrics now and put them here to get the power of words into my head.
------------------------------------------------
"Like A Hurricane"
Once I thought I saw you
in a crowded hazy bar,
Dancing on the light
from star to star.
Far across the moonbeam
I know that's who you are,
I saw your brown eyes
turning once to fire.
You are like a hurricane
There's calm in your eye.
And I'm gettin' blown away
To somewhere safer
where the feeling stays.
I want to love you but
I'm getting blown away.
I am just a dreamer,
but you are just a dream,
You could have been
anyone to me.
Before that moment
you touched my lips
That perfect feeling
when time just slips
Away between us
on our foggy trip.
You are like a hurricane
There's calm in your eye.
And I'm gettin' blown away
To somewhere safer
where the feeling stays.
I want to love you but
I'm getting blown away.
You are just a dreamer,
and I am just a dream.
You could have been
anyone to me.
Before that moment
you touched my lips
That perfect feeling
when time just slips
Away between us
on our foggy trip.
You are like a hurricane
There's calm in your eye.
And I'm gettin' blown away
To somewhere safer
where the feeling stays.
I want to love you but
I'm getting blown away.
------------------------------------------
Wow. How strong the picture of a hurricane with the calm eye in the middle is burning itself into the brain, describing also the character of a person.
Respect.
2010-10-02
Love, trust, loyalty and the biggest power hate
Some days I really wonder if my life was creating a monster. A monster that cannot trust and believe it`s loved. There will be no man on this earth running around 24 hours the day telling a woman he loves her. But it seems to be the only way working for me. Sad and true. I don't feel the love of anyone in my life.
But on the other hand, why should somebody love me.... and getting nothing in return.
In the end it comes up to one point: It all seems to be my fault. And that makes me hate myself.
I cannot ask for something I cannot give in return. And even if I feel some love deep inside of me, I would rather bite my tongue off than admitting it and giving annother person a kind of power over me. Remember very well, long time ago, a boyfriend asked me if I love him. The words got stuck in my throat and so I was letting him go away.
He never had a chance to hurt me. But instead I was hurting myself.
Yes, just now, writting this - thinking about all the missed moments in the life, I realized: Some people have to stay alone because there is no home for them.
All my life I am searching a place called home, not the material home I mean. The home you can find in a smile or in the arms of a person you love.
Think I will stop searching now and face the fact that love is only for people that can give themself like a present away to get somebody elses heart as a present in return.
I am a monster. And nobody can love a monster. I rather destroy people than giving them the possibility to hurt me again.
Think I have to stop dreaming about a "normal" life and start to make the best out of mine. Free, alone and unloved.
Also some friends using me only for their goals (like calling only for riding and otherwise don't give a shit about me) should better watch out. It's time for the old Surviver-girl to return. You don't love me - so fuck off my dear.
Cannot take care about the wishes of everybody, when nobody takes care about mine.
I tried to be sweet and nice for years now, hoping to find love (I don't fucking care if there are 100 people thinking how sweet I am with a very good character - if I still feel empty inside). What a waste of time trying to be a lovely person.
I will be myself again. No more compromises.
But on the other hand, why should somebody love me.... and getting nothing in return.
In the end it comes up to one point: It all seems to be my fault. And that makes me hate myself.
I cannot ask for something I cannot give in return. And even if I feel some love deep inside of me, I would rather bite my tongue off than admitting it and giving annother person a kind of power over me. Remember very well, long time ago, a boyfriend asked me if I love him. The words got stuck in my throat and so I was letting him go away.
He never had a chance to hurt me. But instead I was hurting myself.
Yes, just now, writting this - thinking about all the missed moments in the life, I realized: Some people have to stay alone because there is no home for them.
All my life I am searching a place called home, not the material home I mean. The home you can find in a smile or in the arms of a person you love.
Think I will stop searching now and face the fact that love is only for people that can give themself like a present away to get somebody elses heart as a present in return.
I am a monster. And nobody can love a monster. I rather destroy people than giving them the possibility to hurt me again.
Think I have to stop dreaming about a "normal" life and start to make the best out of mine. Free, alone and unloved.
Also some friends using me only for their goals (like calling only for riding and otherwise don't give a shit about me) should better watch out. It's time for the old Surviver-girl to return. You don't love me - so fuck off my dear.
Cannot take care about the wishes of everybody, when nobody takes care about mine.
I tried to be sweet and nice for years now, hoping to find love (I don't fucking care if there are 100 people thinking how sweet I am with a very good character - if I still feel empty inside). What a waste of time trying to be a lovely person.
I will be myself again. No more compromises.
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