the honest true love

Also yesterday I was going to ride. My horse was already waiting and shouting when he saw my car. Me and a friend were cleaning and preparing the horses to ride inside. I wanted to try out some works a western rider was showing me.

My thoroughbred (yes, everything I was reading about those horses matches him 100 %) was realising right away that I am not so happy. So he worked like a crazy to make me happy. Is amazing. Normally bullheaded he was trying to read my mind yesterday. One more time, like already on our first Gimkhana, when he was doing the sidewards for the first time in his life. My homework was to make him take the head down, collect him and also make his steps in trot and gallop smaller. What did the trainer say: not an easy horse and you need a lot of patience.... To bad he wasn't there yesterday.

After a slalom with long reins, a circle in trot and gallop with long reins and only using one hand moving the reins a little to the front like sending him off, with perfect little steps, everybody was standing there, watching and not able to close the mouth. My friend said after she never saw him beautiful like this in her whole life, nobody did. Everybody said: Do it again. And we did, again and again.

Backwards, sidewards, spin right and left. He was doing everything to make me laugh. Finally he suceeded. We were all laughing about that miracle horse, when he remembered that he is normally a bullheaded horse.

I am curious how he will be the next time. Will he do a miracle for me like yesterday and at the Gimkhana, or will he be bullheaded like always.

Now I know even more how beautiful this horse will be, one day when we are both good enough for the "high class" riders ;-)

Animals are honest and great. If they give you their love, is there forever, if you don't ruin it.

I am so happy having the love of 3 animals at the moment, and the love of all the ones I had to let go. Is my responsibility to go all the way with them to the final breath.

All my animals were dying in my arms. Dogs, cats (Cookie not, sorry) even a horse (yes the horse was laying on the ground already a little sleepy, the head on my lap, when they were giving the overdose to him). That is the price you have to pay for staying with animals - and everbody should pay it in this way. Not the way most of the riders are doing and also a friend of mine believes in: the horse was coming to my stable on his own feet, so he walks out of it like this.

No. Let him/her sleep away relaxed at home and then after, when he/she is dead there is still enough time for the crane and transport. It costs a little more - but for me is worth it. Maybe I am the only one like this. But sorry it's me.

the agreement of silence

self destroying, obsessive and wild
caught in the situation
love is gone, is it gone for real ?
maybe is only hiding behind a moments pressure.
Was it there?
it might still is.
A turn around leaving 3,5 years, possible?

Tired, this time I realised not to be the only one tired.
I saw you yesterday, sleeping with your grey skin, tired
destroyed and helpless.

The fear of loosing control, the worries about life and
love were cutting deep lines into your face.

To tired to argue. You turned around, helpless.
You still love me, behind your wall of ice.

I see you suffer, unable to help you. I am numb.
Now we have to find a way to get along with
each other.

Some words you said are burned into my heart and brain.
Think they will stay there forever.

and how it goes on........ an agreement of silence
of not hurting each other anymore until we are recovered.

Then the final decision has to be made.

But for now. Both on the ground, both k.o. The match
has to be continued. Will there be winners or only losers.