Looking forward to 2013 + returning to Germany

Why I am looking forward to 2013? Because it can`t we worse than 2012 was (I hope so.)

In 2012:
I had a stalker who was coming to my house almost every night, ringing the doorbell or climbing up the tree to look into my window. He attacked my friends and was trying to pull me out of the car on my broken arm.

I broke my collarbone and it is still not cured. (was falling from the horse while passing out, because I was to tired after a week with the stalker stealing my sleep. 

The carabinieris (ital. Police) were doing a shit. They were parking in front of my house, while he was entering through the backyard.

So my decisions were made:

- back to Germany
- trying to get my Life back to normal
- curing my shoulder in peace
- and enjoying life again.

with or without you ;-)


I WANT A BORING LIFE.

You - the risk

You turned me on - and left me dreaming

You pissed me off - never thought I could get that mad anymore

We started something - that has to be continued

Than we will see....... if there is a future.

time can be your best friend

Friendship. Sometimes they are faked. Last year when I was finally splitting with my Ex, my female friend told me: Now that you are not together with ...... anymore and you don`t belong to the family.... anymore, we are not playing in the same liga anymore. Or in other words she is doing the rich bitch while I am working for my money. The next words have been: How are you going to handle a horse, your cats a life in Italy. It is not your business my dear. Somehow I did. Here I am. Bills are paid, cats are fine, horse is getting better and better. (Also a nice speech I was catching from my Ex: If you will buy that horse we are through). People do you really think that works with me????? Back to my "best" female friend. I will always have an eye on you and time is helping me, you are screwing up yourself. At least I am not going around with my horse pretending to be the best rider, the best teacher and ...... the best in all. I accept all the other people and if they ask my opinion I will tell them the truth, while you are already getting kicked out of the second place with your horse for getting on other peoples nerves

I have to admit, it was satisfying me when I heard that you got kicked out of a place where you wanted to be the boss, while you were only a customer like all the others paying to have your horse kept there.

I can come with my horse to all places around and get a warm welcome. What liga are you playing in ? The liga of the most intolerant, spoiled, stupid people?

holidays are giving me too much time for thinking

A little... I already miss working and beeing around the S..- staff. Think I am not a workaholic just a little lonley. Want to transfer myself 800 km`s more north for a couple hours too check out what the hell is going on in my head. Here in Italy there are two men offering me the world, but sorry guys I am not in love with you, so keep you money, your nice cars, your horses. Do not want it. Have my horse in my heart, have my own cats, my own car, small but paid and... you cannot buy me - the currency of my price is love not money.

Yesterday I had a nice day with my best female friend. We went to a lake and we´re talking a lot. But she is 15 years younger than me, I am missing a good conversation with somebody my age, and for some reasons with the italian men it is not possible, they are either talking only all the psyco romantic stuff I already heard millions of time in all languages or they talk abouth things in a way that I am getting bored very fast. 

Cannot wait till my German Student is coming back from vacation. When he is trying to read Goethe at
least he is able to keep my interest for a while.

I am not dating anymore. Turned out to be a waste of time.

The first day of my vacation I was already seeing my Ex twice. Two times too much. What an error to
stay with somebody whos biggest fun is to watch TV or movies.

I do not remember when I watched the last time TV. For me there are lots of other things more important, like a nice conversation, a romantic moment, a glass of wine with the right person (haven´t  had a good glass of wine since a long while).


Also freedom can become boring,

Holidays + Scorpions

Tomorrow will be my first vacation day. I am ready to hit towards my lake and hopefully windsurf a little. The only bad thing: holidays without "him".  With all the cats, horses, friends I am still missing "him". There are some him`s around, but the italian him`s are too much like all those things, people expect when I am telling them I am a scorpio. They are all like HUH .... you are jealous. People, with 18 I was the absolute Scorpio you are expecting. I am not very jealous anymore, maybe I am not a Scorpio anymore? If you want to cheat go ahead - I will go away and that`s it. no more dramas in my life had enough. Back to the point. The Italians are all Scorpions. I think all Italy was born in November and I cannot stand it. (strange this argument is coming from a Scorpio-Lady). Even I do not believe too much in those things it makes me laugh to imagine all Italians were born in November. Looking forward to my surfing and trying not to get in trouble too many times.
Miss you whereever and whoever you are. If you can keep my interest thats all I want. I will need some freedom for me as I will leave some freedom for you. But If you hurt me I will have to kill you ;-)

I am ready - for nothing

I am ready... you only have to say the 2 or 3 words.
I am afraid... you are way to close to me already. Means you have the possibility to hurt me.
I am carefull... don`t want to stress you or me. 
I am nervous... how could this happen.
I am unsure... can and should I change my life again.
I am tired... want to have a place called home. If this place is inside your arms that would be great.
I am upset... some new goodbyes.
I am impatient... how long till there will be a "we".
I am positive... about my feelings
I am excited... that I finally might have experienced some deep emotions.
I am convinced... that I will not get bored with you.


you might not be ready... you haven´t said the 2 or 3 words
you might not be afraid... maybe cause I am not close to you.
you are carefull... I realized you have secrets. 
you aren`t nervous... does this means you don`t give a shit?
you aren`t unsure... would love to see a little weakness ones.
you aren`t tired... could it be you already have what I am searching. 
you aren`t upset... are you happy the way things are or are you just a good actor?
you aren`t impatient... looks like you have all the time of the world, seams you are missing nothing.
you are positiv... always about the other things 
you aren`t excited... at least not with me. 
you aren´t convinced... no need to be convinced there will be no "we".

This is the momentary situation, and beside I am happy to feel something for someone it doesn`t look to positiv. Maybe I should lock my heart and throw the key inside the Po-River and hopefully nobody will find it again. 

By the way, what did you do in my dream last night ?

What is going on?

Cannot get something out of my head. Can anybody give me some tips. I was looking a short while too long into those eyse. Lost, game over, what the fuck. Can it be ? Butterflies... was not looking for having butterflies in my stomach. To tell it in Italian. CAZZO CAZZO CAZZO or in englisch SHIT SHIT SHIT or in proper Italian MERDA. How can I make my life if I complicate it always myself. After almost one year alone and the idea of never beeing able to feel all those feelings - it was crashing into me without me seeing it coming. Wanted to be your friend but always deep inside I knew this eyse would cause me problems. And now ? Confusion. But anyway thanks for showing me that I am able to feel this. Whatever will turn out to be - this moment I will protect inside my heart till the end of my days. Not sure what you would think about this. Didn`t tell you, we didn`t talk about it. On my mind and not sure if that is the right place for you.

Italy is going towards a depression - and its pulling me down too

Since 2009 Italy is fighting with a depression. The people are tired of it. They are getting crazy. In the latest days I was seeing too much violence in the normal daylife of the Italians. I am not afraid, I survived other things but I must admit I am worried.
The people are losing their hope, not having work, or having work but not getting paid, while the upper 10 % are not giving a shit about the normal people. The mix here I would consider explosive. At a medical test I was obliged to do I realised how hatefull some of the Italians are now towards stranger. The lady was saying: Oh the lady has a unterminated working contract...... I know it is something a lot of people here would kill for. But I will stand up for myself as always and will give the people a helping hand, like I did in all my life, and hopefully they will not hate me too much.

Good night from Italy.

For you - whoever you are

I will not stop searching you. Never.
I am a believer.
I believe there is someone out there who can
keep my interest alive for more than a short while.

So bored.
Bored from people wanting to make you believe
that they are in one way while they turn out to
be the other way.

Bored from people which are getting turned on from
an outside without asking themself if the inside will
be worth it.

Bored about hearing the wispered lovely words out of
the mouth of the wrong people.

If you would say them to me, I know it would be different.

Am I afraid of the future ?

Am I afraid of the future? No.

Am I happy to be Single? Sometimes.

Will I compromise? Don`t know.

What I know........

at the moment I don`t know.

I am not searching persons that will tell me what I cannot do.

I am not searching people that love me one day and the next day they aren`t sure.

I am not giving up myself so others love me.

Love me or hate me - but please have feelings for me.

This: not so sure if yes or no..... maybe I still...... maybe I do .... sick of this shit. Do not want to hear that ever ever ever again in my life.

I love my life and have lots of plans. Do not stop me, come with me or stay out of my way.