I bought a house together with my Ex. A house forever. Old, like a potato farm. 800 qm garden, only potatos, lol. But the view and the place, a dream, direct over a little river to swim. I started to work like crazy to make the house and the garden nice. And it became nice. All people visiting me were saying: Like a mediterean dream. I was happy. Not with the relationship - but with the house. More and more I got the feeling that my boyfriend and his brother are sliding back into old habbits (drugs). And I was right.
Than he lost his job. How should I leave him alone like this? So I stayed, looked for some more works and paid: The house, two cars and all the other things.
I was working while he was only having fun, not trying to find annother job.
Think we never loved each other. We were helping each other out of the shit and then we became foreigners. I liked my new beautiful life, while he got bored.
2003 The beginning of the end.
2006
Was for telling him we have to sell the house, because I am leaving, when he told that the drugs had made him sick, and that was the truth, because we went to the doctor together. So I couldn't put him on the street. I went and left him everything, even paid for his car. Half year later I found out that only 6 weeks later he found a new girl over the newspaper and she moved into my house. Rest in Hell for that. But maybe you are already there ?
By the way, his parents had a lot of money and never supported us in that hard times, caused by their son. They told me they understand why I am leaving, but they are parents so the first thing they care about is their son to be secured. For leaving everything to him and not selling the house I wanted 20.000 Euros, but the poor parents (sarcastic) only had 10.000,- available. So I took the 10.000,- Euros,
was to tired to fight and moved into a new little appartement (expensive rent because of the cat), bought furniture and paid the moving company and some debits.
Broke but free.
My garden is a trash place today. No more nice flowers, only dogs, dogshit, rabbits (to eat), rabbitshit. The dogs are used for hunting, and the other time shitting in the garden. Thanks god im out of that. My cat I took with me, and the other one he wanted to keep I found 6 months later in an animal house, think he was kicking him out to get dogs for hunting.
A new beginning: Alone again and so tired.
2010-09-01
Downwards
After my accident with the car, they were giving me a lot of opium for the pain. The burned bubbles on the legs were infected and also my ass was burned. With the opium it was okay. All the doctors were telling me without a plastic surgery there would be a lot of scarfs remaining. But I gave it time to cure. 3 years I was not going into the sun and the dark spaces became white and the skin soft again. First the skin was like a very thin paper. After 3 years I went a little in the sun, and slowly more and more the legs got back to normal. Like a wonder. Today I can wear short skirts and only a skin doctor is seeing that there is something not right.
For the money I had to give back to all the "friends" of PW, I was taking a job in a disco for the weekends and also saturdays in a car rental. Together with my 40 hour normal job I had a week of 90 hours. So I had to take some "helpers". Cocaine and Speed I got for free and the disco I was working. So me and my new friends were always on the "streets". That was the time I got in trouble with Peach and was loosing her.
When I had to start to do it also weekdays, otherwise I couldn't do it to work I realized how fast my way downwards got.
My friends in that time were pimps and doormen, my love drugs and annother waitress, my health: Asthma (lots of allergys, the most bad one: animalfur) and Panic attacks.
3 years I was going on like this until I paid off all the deads.
Than I stopped. Was not hard for me at all. Maybe because life was strengthen me?
The day I decided to change my life I went to a doctor, told him everything and asked for a big blood test.
The blood test arrived: Everything perfect, not even one thing out of norm :-o
What a surprise.
I remember his words: "You can even drink alcohol with those results ". I smiled at him and answered: "No thanks that is what I did the last years."
Ready for a new life.
Some left over money I was putting into Funds. I used to love dealing with funds and stock exchanges. Was tripling the money in the next years. The basic for buying a house.
For the money I had to give back to all the "friends" of PW, I was taking a job in a disco for the weekends and also saturdays in a car rental. Together with my 40 hour normal job I had a week of 90 hours. So I had to take some "helpers". Cocaine and Speed I got for free and the disco I was working. So me and my new friends were always on the "streets". That was the time I got in trouble with Peach and was loosing her.
When I had to start to do it also weekdays, otherwise I couldn't do it to work I realized how fast my way downwards got.
My friends in that time were pimps and doormen, my love drugs and annother waitress, my health: Asthma (lots of allergys, the most bad one: animalfur) and Panic attacks.
3 years I was going on like this until I paid off all the deads.
Than I stopped. Was not hard for me at all. Maybe because life was strengthen me?
The day I decided to change my life I went to a doctor, told him everything and asked for a big blood test.
The blood test arrived: Everything perfect, not even one thing out of norm :-o
What a surprise.
I remember his words: "You can even drink alcohol with those results ". I smiled at him and answered: "No thanks that is what I did the last years."
Ready for a new life.
Some left over money I was putting into Funds. I used to love dealing with funds and stock exchanges. Was tripling the money in the next years. The basic for buying a house.
For PW
You - made everyone fall in love with you.
You - with the face of an angel, nobody saw the devil inside.
You - stole my heart and put it in a cage so nobody else could have it.
You - were waiting at home, stopping the time I needed to return from work.
You - were always jealous about the normal things in life.
You - were stealing for drugs, gambling and covering it all up so nobody knew.
You - were using my car for a break-in.
You - were promising to change every day.
You - even made my relatives love you.
You - said you love me, but your way of loving is obsessive, sick and selfish.
I - loved you.
You destroyed my family and my love. You are the second person who made me loose annother person I loved. You I hate more than anybody else in the world.
All our friends are scared what will happen if we ever meet again.
"Our friends" is wrong, "my friends" because after all you did, you don't have
friends like Peach and Chris anymore. Because of your jealousy my car was blowing
up while I was driving, three years my burned legs had to cure, from the hot water with over 160 degrees coming through the heating system inside my car. In that moment I was so freaked out I almost jumped out of the dusty, smother car. With two lanes going next to me faster and 80 km/h for sure my death, but the safety belt was stopping me, so I turned the car to the right side into the forest and hit a tree. Guess it`s called blind flight.
At the doctors they told me also: 10 km/h faster and I would have been death or starting a life in a wheelchair. For 3 years they had to put the bones of my back
always back into their places, because they were jumping around like they wanted.
Why, because of all the things happend in the States ? That horror I cannot put in words. So you really expected me to stay with you ? You must have been out of your mind.
Peach was giving me the money so you could return to the States the first time, after your bullshit in Germany. I paid her back, alone.
You are one of the richest persons of the States with a character dirty like shit.
You are only somebody because your Dad was always keeping a hand over you.
The golden cage I was inside the US for a while didn't fit me. Keep your fucking credit cards and guards and let me live my life in freedom. The best thing I ever did, was running away from you. You tried to get me back and after that to destroy me. Realize how sick you are.
I thank you for the nice time at the beginning, I thank you for the opium they were giving me after you manipulated my car. I thank you for the scarf between my lips and my nose, remember that jealousy attack, so nobody else would look at me anymore. To bad it cured so well, that it is almost unvisible now, like my legs.
You didn't suceed to destroy me at all. I thank you for all the debits in Germany I had to pay back alone, for the people coming to my house for money you should have given to them, gambler. Thank you for the police showing up, telling me my car was used at a break-in, and searching you. Thank you for the time over your house, with all the crimes. Now everybody knows where you are and for this reason I am safe. Hope you stay there for the rest of your life, and dare you to come to Europe.
I am sorry your Dad died, he did the same bullshit/business but at least he had character, I will always love your sister. The cat we named after her died already years ago. First Peach was keeping her and Lestat, the black cat, the time I couldn't. Lestat was gone one day but your cat was living with my parents and wanted to stay there until she died of braincancer.
You - with the face of an angel, nobody saw the devil inside.
You - stole my heart and put it in a cage so nobody else could have it.
You - were waiting at home, stopping the time I needed to return from work.
You - were always jealous about the normal things in life.
You - were stealing for drugs, gambling and covering it all up so nobody knew.
You - were using my car for a break-in.
You - were promising to change every day.
You - even made my relatives love you.
You - said you love me, but your way of loving is obsessive, sick and selfish.
I - loved you.
You destroyed my family and my love. You are the second person who made me loose annother person I loved. You I hate more than anybody else in the world.
All our friends are scared what will happen if we ever meet again.
"Our friends" is wrong, "my friends" because after all you did, you don't have
friends like Peach and Chris anymore. Because of your jealousy my car was blowing
up while I was driving, three years my burned legs had to cure, from the hot water with over 160 degrees coming through the heating system inside my car. In that moment I was so freaked out I almost jumped out of the dusty, smother car. With two lanes going next to me faster and 80 km/h for sure my death, but the safety belt was stopping me, so I turned the car to the right side into the forest and hit a tree. Guess it`s called blind flight.
At the doctors they told me also: 10 km/h faster and I would have been death or starting a life in a wheelchair. For 3 years they had to put the bones of my back
always back into their places, because they were jumping around like they wanted.
Why, because of all the things happend in the States ? That horror I cannot put in words. So you really expected me to stay with you ? You must have been out of your mind.
Peach was giving me the money so you could return to the States the first time, after your bullshit in Germany. I paid her back, alone.
You are one of the richest persons of the States with a character dirty like shit.
You are only somebody because your Dad was always keeping a hand over you.
The golden cage I was inside the US for a while didn't fit me. Keep your fucking credit cards and guards and let me live my life in freedom. The best thing I ever did, was running away from you. You tried to get me back and after that to destroy me. Realize how sick you are.
I thank you for the nice time at the beginning, I thank you for the opium they were giving me after you manipulated my car. I thank you for the scarf between my lips and my nose, remember that jealousy attack, so nobody else would look at me anymore. To bad it cured so well, that it is almost unvisible now, like my legs.
You didn't suceed to destroy me at all. I thank you for all the debits in Germany I had to pay back alone, for the people coming to my house for money you should have given to them, gambler. Thank you for the police showing up, telling me my car was used at a break-in, and searching you. Thank you for the time over your house, with all the crimes. Now everybody knows where you are and for this reason I am safe. Hope you stay there for the rest of your life, and dare you to come to Europe.
I am sorry your Dad died, he did the same bullshit/business but at least he had character, I will always love your sister. The cat we named after her died already years ago. First Peach was keeping her and Lestat, the black cat, the time I couldn't. Lestat was gone one day but your cat was living with my parents and wanted to stay there until she died of braincancer.
Back in Germany
Back in Germany, I realized very fast, that having feelings again is only nice, when you are happy.
But I was sad and so the circle of drugs, alcohol and parties was starting again. Like always, only Peach was stopping me a lot of times from getting to wild. That time I was starting to do cocaine. Peach was worried like shit. Bitching all the time. Her boyfriend in that period used to have a problem with coke.
Cocaine is very dangerous. I saw a lot of girls doing everything for a line. Thanks God I never got so addicted, don't know why. Was only doing it to go out and handle all the happy people around me. During the week I went to work and when I went out during the night on a weekday I never did anything.
One night there was a party over a girls house and there I saw him. (The most dangerous, possessive, destroying love of my life - PW).
But I was sad and so the circle of drugs, alcohol and parties was starting again. Like always, only Peach was stopping me a lot of times from getting to wild. That time I was starting to do cocaine. Peach was worried like shit. Bitching all the time. Her boyfriend in that period used to have a problem with coke.
Cocaine is very dangerous. I saw a lot of girls doing everything for a line. Thanks God I never got so addicted, don't know why. Was only doing it to go out and handle all the happy people around me. During the week I went to work and when I went out during the night on a weekday I never did anything.
One night there was a party over a girls house and there I saw him. (The most dangerous, possessive, destroying love of my life - PW).
For Michael
You gave me love with all the patience you got,
your arms were always open for me to return to.
You gave me so much I cannot find words for.
But we were to young and I was to hard to handle.
You loved me. Thanks for that.
You made me so strong that early time in life we
met.
We weren't meant to be together but as my friend
and "big brother" you stayed at my side and you
helped me through the darkest hours upcoming in
my life.
I will always love you.
your arms were always open for me to return to.
You gave me so much I cannot find words for.
But we were to young and I was to hard to handle.
You loved me. Thanks for that.
You made me so strong that early time in life we
met.
We weren't meant to be together but as my friend
and "big brother" you stayed at my side and you
helped me through the darkest hours upcoming in
my life.
I will always love you.
My first big love - and a little sunny time
That night was different. I was complete out of control, looking for trouble, think it was the night I also had a fight with annother girl, when I saw him.
Bobby (crazy motherfucker) was introducing me to a friend. Michael. I was direct fascinated from his eyse. They looked so warm and understanding. Chris and Peach were coming and asking to switch clubs. No I have something to do here, I said. So they left without us. We were sitting down and talking, talking, talking. That night I was driving him back to his barracks. Next weekend, next party. He was there also. After he wanted to kiss me I hit him so hard that his lip was bleeding, then I walked away. Somebody must have told him something about me, because he was not giving up.
The next day he was standing infront of my favorit club with a red rose and a helmet, lol.
That night I took him home. Nothing happend. The next nights I took him home, nothing happend. I was always expecting something and nothing happend. After a while I was very frustrated and realized that my feelings were crown very strong. So I told him he cannot stay with me anymore because of that, I never forget how he laughed, took me in his arms and said that he was waiting for that all the time.
That night we had very softly, warm, lovely sex with a lot of cuddles and it felt
right. :-)
After a half year he had to go back to the US. I wanted to finish my degree so we split for a half year.
Then I followed to a little town close to Philadelphia.
But things had changed. He was strange and I realised after a short time, that he wanted to be free, we were to young. At a party I caught him with the girl he had the 6 months he was alone in the States. Only kissing, but basicly the same picture like back than with A. and T.
I packed my stuff and returned to Germany. Never wanted to see him again. But it happend different. Years later he was helping me out again and until today he is there like a big brother, my guardian angel. Wish I can pay you pack one day all the support and strength you gave me. You made me strong, so nobody could destroy me anymore. Remember one training, when I was able to knock you out the first time. (A big smile just appeared right now on my face thinking about that moment). After you started to wear those protections, like it is supposed to be.
Bobby (crazy motherfucker) was introducing me to a friend. Michael. I was direct fascinated from his eyse. They looked so warm and understanding. Chris and Peach were coming and asking to switch clubs. No I have something to do here, I said. So they left without us. We were sitting down and talking, talking, talking. That night I was driving him back to his barracks. Next weekend, next party. He was there also. After he wanted to kiss me I hit him so hard that his lip was bleeding, then I walked away. Somebody must have told him something about me, because he was not giving up.
The next day he was standing infront of my favorit club with a red rose and a helmet, lol.
That night I took him home. Nothing happend. The next nights I took him home, nothing happend. I was always expecting something and nothing happend. After a while I was very frustrated and realized that my feelings were crown very strong. So I told him he cannot stay with me anymore because of that, I never forget how he laughed, took me in his arms and said that he was waiting for that all the time.
That night we had very softly, warm, lovely sex with a lot of cuddles and it felt
right. :-)
After a half year he had to go back to the US. I wanted to finish my degree so we split for a half year.
Then I followed to a little town close to Philadelphia.
But things had changed. He was strange and I realised after a short time, that he wanted to be free, we were to young. At a party I caught him with the girl he had the 6 months he was alone in the States. Only kissing, but basicly the same picture like back than with A. and T.
I packed my stuff and returned to Germany. Never wanted to see him again. But it happend different. Years later he was helping me out again and until today he is there like a big brother, my guardian angel. Wish I can pay you pack one day all the support and strength you gave me. You made me strong, so nobody could destroy me anymore. Remember one training, when I was able to knock you out the first time. (A big smile just appeared right now on my face thinking about that moment). After you started to wear those protections, like it is supposed to be.
Not able to feel
The months between that night and the relationship with Michael have been the second darkest of my life.
I went out and tried to forget, but the more I tried the more everything came back to me. I started to sleepwalk. When I was going out and saw all the happy people I realized I was not able to feel positiv things anymore.
That was the time I started to cut my arms. When they were bleeding, just a little, and burning, I felt alive. But all that time I was sad.
After the cutting, I returned to hash and marijuana. Trips I didn't liked. Thanks god my first trip was so bad I never wanted annother one.
Very dangerous was also the Icespray (for sport injuries). I am not describing how we were doing that, but also that made me so scared, because your mind was stopping to work for seconds.
So I stayed with hash, marijuana and alcohol.
The only thing stopping me that time from suicide was the responsability I had for my animals. That love was never gone complete.
I went out and tried to forget, but the more I tried the more everything came back to me. I started to sleepwalk. When I was going out and saw all the happy people I realized I was not able to feel positiv things anymore.
That was the time I started to cut my arms. When they were bleeding, just a little, and burning, I felt alive. But all that time I was sad.
After the cutting, I returned to hash and marijuana. Trips I didn't liked. Thanks god my first trip was so bad I never wanted annother one.
Very dangerous was also the Icespray (for sport injuries). I am not describing how we were doing that, but also that made me so scared, because your mind was stopping to work for seconds.
So I stayed with hash, marijuana and alcohol.
The only thing stopping me that time from suicide was the responsability I had for my animals. That love was never gone complete.
The time after
The life after that night in the car, just wasn't the same anymore. My trainer at work had to take me and A. to the doctor. My parents didn't want us to go to the bullshit with the police and the doctor and were again afraid of a scandal (they will never change). But my trainer at work (she saw right away something was wrong with me) made me go, she even drove to A. to pick her up also, and was taking care for us about all the paperwork. Thanks to B. (I am hiding her name because at work they found out later, that she was stealing a lot of money over the years, faking the accounts in a very smart way). But thanks to that person and her believe in me I went through my school- and practical-period and got my degree in economic.
All that shit happend 6 weeks before my 18th birthday and my car. Call it bad timing.
With 17 still a virgin, was a kind of strange, but I wanted to wait for the right one. The guy with the car definitely wasn't (black humor).
Then the next angel came to my life: Michael, my first big love (you were there as my first big love and you are still there for me as a friend, as a big brother, thanks).
All that shit happend 6 weeks before my 18th birthday and my car. Call it bad timing.
With 17 still a virgin, was a kind of strange, but I wanted to wait for the right one. The guy with the car definitely wasn't (black humor).
Then the next angel came to my life: Michael, my first big love (you were there as my first big love and you are still there for me as a friend, as a big brother, thanks).
Friends are so important - make sure you have some
Looking back at this time, I was so lucky for having all my friends, A., Chris and Peach. Those three girls were the columns of my life. Peach, the oldest one, always there for me. When I had to move because of problems with boyfriends (more later), she was always there, giving home to my 2 cats and me. That is an incredible thing, because she was living with her cat in an 40 qm appartement. One time she was keeping my cats for a half year, supporting me with money (I paid back later). Yes now that I am older looking at this she was the angel of my life. Thanks Peach.
Peach, you don't know, but I am searching you now over 10 years. After our fight one night about your boyfriend (I swear is not my fault, he liked me so much) and the time after we were not speaking for a year, I missed you so much. Then when I got all my strenght together to come to speak with you, you moved somewhere (think Bavaria) and maybe you also got married and changed name again I couldn't find you anymore. I never told you, that you where the best friend a person can have, and I would have rather died than starting something with your boyfriend.
Remember the time we made all the crazy parties, and our dreams of having a farm together with all the animals we rescued. I still have that dream.
Thanks for your support and I will always love you.
Peach, you don't know, but I am searching you now over 10 years. After our fight one night about your boyfriend (I swear is not my fault, he liked me so much) and the time after we were not speaking for a year, I missed you so much. Then when I got all my strenght together to come to speak with you, you moved somewhere (think Bavaria) and maybe you also got married and changed name again I couldn't find you anymore. I never told you, that you where the best friend a person can have, and I would have rather died than starting something with your boyfriend.
Remember the time we made all the crazy parties, and our dreams of having a farm together with all the animals we rescued. I still have that dream.
Thanks for your support and I will always love you.
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