Not able to feel

The months between that night and the relationship with Michael have been the second darkest of my life.
I went out and tried to forget, but the more I tried the more everything came back to me. I started to sleepwalk. When I was going out and saw all the happy people I realized I was not able to feel positiv things anymore.
That was the time I started to cut my arms. When they were bleeding, just a little, and burning, I felt alive. But all that time I was sad.
After the cutting, I returned to hash and marijuana. Trips I didn't liked. Thanks god my first trip was so bad I never wanted annother one.
Very dangerous was also the Icespray (for sport injuries). I am not describing how we were doing that, but also that made me so scared, because your mind was stopping to work for seconds.
So I stayed with hash, marijuana and alcohol.
The only thing stopping me that time from suicide was the responsability I had for my animals. That love was never gone complete.