Love, trust, loyalty and the biggest power hate

Some days I really wonder if my life was creating a monster. A monster that cannot trust and believe it`s loved. There will be no man on this earth running around 24 hours the day telling a woman he loves her. But it seems to be the only way working for me. Sad and true. I don't feel the love of anyone in my life.

But on the other hand, why should somebody love me.... and getting nothing in return.
In the end it comes up to one point: It all seems to be my fault. And that makes me hate myself.

I cannot ask for something I cannot give in return. And even if I feel some love deep inside of me, I would rather bite my tongue off than admitting it and giving annother person a kind of power over me. Remember very well, long time ago, a boyfriend asked me if I love him. The words got stuck in my throat and so I was letting him go away.
He never had a chance to hurt me. But instead I was hurting myself.

Yes, just now, writting this - thinking about all the missed moments in the life, I realized: Some people have to stay alone because there is no home for them.

All my life I am searching a place called home, not the material home I mean. The home you can find in a smile or in the arms of a person you love.

Think I will stop searching now and face the fact that love is only for people that can give themself like a present away to get somebody elses heart as a present in return.

I am a monster. And nobody can love a monster. I rather destroy people than giving them the possibility to hurt me again.

Think I have to stop dreaming about a "normal" life and start to make the best out of mine. Free, alone and unloved.

Also some friends using me only for their goals (like calling only for riding and otherwise don't give a shit about me) should better watch out. It's time for the old Surviver-girl to return. You don't love me - so fuck off my dear.

Cannot take care about the wishes of everybody, when nobody takes care about mine.
I tried to be sweet and nice for years now, hoping to find love (I don't fucking care if there are 100 people thinking how sweet I am with a very good character - if I still feel empty inside). What a waste of time trying to be a lovely person.

I will be myself again. No more compromises.